Here are the key mindshifts that are also guiding principles for my work with families, that are key to helping parents be the calm, loving, connected moms and dads they want to be while also setting the limits and boundaries kids need to thrive.

A common conundrum for many parents who seek my consultation is how to impart important lessons to their kids who won’t listen. Their kids reject, argue, shut the conversation down or put the blame on their parent.

You will see from the stories below that what I have found...wait for it..is that less is more in these moments. The more you try to get your child to absorb the information you want to impart, the less likely they are to tune in to and internalize it, as these stories below show. 

For years, my clients and readers have asked for a cheat-sheet of the key phrases or mantras I use as I help parents solve their childrearing challenges. The goal of these messages is, at their core, to help moms and dads be the loving limit-setters their children need them to be in a way that is supportive, not shaming, a needle that can seem impossible to thread in the heat-of-the-moment, especially if you have a big reactor. 

So here goes...

Almost always, the challenge parents are seeking to solve when they come to see me—melt downs, inflexibility/defiance, power struggles—is rooted in the absence of an important limit. That is what is causing so much stress for the entire family.⁠

When the limit isn't clear, and there is a lot of discussion or negotiation, about....more books at bedtime, more things the child says they need to do before they are willing to go to sleep, more treats, more screen time...it opens up a big, black hole that the child fills with endless attempts to keep parents engaged or to get them to do what they want. This is not just exhausting and maddening for parents, it is exhausting for kids who expend a lot of mental energy making their case and pursuing all angles, getting themselves increasingly wound up and dysregulated. The entire situation escalates and everyone involved ends up miserable.  
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As you know, this is not a new theme or insight. I write often about limits because of how pervasive a problem figuring how to effectively and lovingly set them continues to be for so many families I see.

One big culprit is that because kids don't like limits, their reaction--meltdowns, protests and the like--is often  triggering for parents which makes it hard to stick to them.

Another obstacle to parents being the loving limit-setters their children need them to be is due to a more recent phenomenon: parents have gotten the message that "gentle," loving, respectful parenting entails collaboration with kids—making them part of the decision-making process—not telling them what to do, which has become characterized as being harsh and dictatorial. This has translated into parents trying to get kids to agree to limits.

For most of the moms and dads I work with—who have kids who are extremely clever, fierce, feisty, persistent, and have a very strong need to control everything—this philosophy and approach backfires. Once the child susses out that the limit the parent is trying to set is dependent on their agreement and cooperation, they expend an incredible amount of energy throwing up any and all obstacles possible to prevent said limit from being implemented. Who can blame them? I haven't met a child yet who was happy about handing over a tablet, accepting an apple as dessert instead of cookies, or having to end a joyful bedtime. They will negotiate and argue, making some very cohesive and also some very irrational arguments, and use a whole host of delay tactics. This intense focus on exploiting any loophole they detect often sends them into a total tizzy, working themselves up and getting increasingly dysregulated. This is exhausting and not healthy for them. 

Naturally, this is also extremely exhausting for parents who find themselves getting drawn into constant negotiation and defending/justifying why they are setting these important, necessary limits to their children. They are also very frustrated and annoyed with their kids which saddens them and is not what leads to the loving connection parents and kids need.

Here are some common examples:

My four-year-old was very hesitant when I signed her up for gymnastics class. After a few sessions, she started to join in and now she LOVES it. I can’t get her out of there when class is over. But every week, when it’s time to go back, she fights tooth and nail, insisting she doesn’t want to go. It’s like Groundhog’s Day. I just don’t get it.

This phenomenon is one that many parents I work with find confounding and frustrating, understandably. Where is the learning curve? ⁠
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As I help parents do the detective work to figure out the root cause of why their kids react this way, in most cases the challenge is making the transition, not their feelings about the activity. Once the child is engaged in the experience, they love it—whether it is school, dance class, jujitsu, art, or going to the playground. As one mom reported just earlier today: “This weekend we told Bodie (5) that we were going to the playground to meet some friends. He melted down, screaming that he wasn’t going; that he hates the playground, and he hates the children we were meeting there. We held firm and got him there, which was really, really hard and uncomfortable. But within minutes he was having the best time playing with the child he had claimed to detest just minutes earlier."

Why are transitions so hard?⁠

Every week I receive video and audio recordings from parents of challenging moments with their children that they want help understanding and effectively addressing. They almost always involve power struggles—the most pervasive problem for which parents seek my help.

In a recent recording, a seven-year-old, whom we'll call Ryder, was arguing with his dad, Arthur, at bedtime about why he couldn't go downstairs and do art instead of having book time:

Dad: "There is no going downstairs when it's bedtime."

Ryder: "That's stupid. All you want me to do is read and read and read and read because you think it's educational. Well art is educational too. Haven't you ever heard of art class?"

Dad: "It is bedtime, which is reading time."

Ryder: "That doesn't make any sense! You never let me do anything I want to do. This is the worst day ever!"

Dad: "That is not true, Ryder. You get to do so many things you want to do..." as Arthur proceeds to remind Ryder of many recent examples.

Arthur's repeated efforts to explain (defend) himself—to convince Ryder to see that his accusations are unfounded, and that the limit is fair, is just fodder for Ryder to keep upping the ante. His retorts get more fierce and increasingly irrational: "You care more about Lilah (his younger sister) than me! She gets to do art whenever she wants!" "You are so mean to me. I don't even think you love me!" 

This goes on for over 20 minutes, with Arthur playing defense, countering every accusation and negotiation point. He is completely worn down and ends up letting Ryder do art in his room for an extra 30 minutes before lights-out.

I share this encounter because it reflects the stories I hear from families on a daily basis. A four-year-old launches into a long explanation of why she needs more time to make food for her stuffed animals, right when it's time to go to school. Her mom says she can have five more minutes. But when the timer goes off, her daughter comes up with another task she needs to do, the struggle continues. They are ultimately late for school and separate with everyone exasperated.

A five-year-old draws her parents into a 10-minute discussion about why she should be able to watch another episode of her show, talking circles around them until their heads are about to explode. 

As we analyze these interactions, it becomes evident that the foundational problem is that their kids have found a LOOPHOLE: the absence of a clear limit that creates a void—an opening and opportunity—for kids to try to thwart their parents from setting the limits they don't like. Once the child effectively engages their parents in a debate or negotiation, the child sees that there is a chance that they can get their parents to cave in on or amend the limit to their liking. The longer the child can keep their parents engaged in these debates/battles (and parents will stay a long time, hoping that if they can just get their child to agree to respect the limit, they can head off the dreaded tantrum), the more revved up and irrational their children tend to get. It is utterly exhausting for everyone involved.

“Demand avoidance”—a knee-jerk, defiant reaction to any direction to cooperate with a task or to make a transition— is a phenomenon that I see frequently in my work with families of highly sensitive children(HSC)/big reactors.

This pattern of behavior has been officially termed "Pathological Demand Avoidance" (PDA), but many experts, myself included, prefer "Pervasive Demand Avoidance." 

The first and most important thing to know about PDA is that it is a reaction that is based in the nervous system and is not purposeful "opposition" or "defiance."  The nervous system interprets the demand as a threat to the child's autonomy and triggers a stress response that prepares the body to fight or flee.

While PDA is associated with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), I work with hundreds families each year and see many kids who are not on the Autism spectrum but are prone to demand avoidance. Most of these children are HSCs who often feel overwhelmed on the inside because of how deeply they process their experiences in the world. To cope—to make life more manageable—they seek to control as much as they can on the outside. This frequently translates into refusal to follow a direction, given the fact that directions are designed to control a child's behavior—to get them to do something you want them to do. These kids are totally clued into this and resisting the demand is a way to feel in control. 

So what's a parent to do when many of these tasks HAVE TO BE DONE to keep their children healthy and safe, and to run an effective household, especially a busy one with multiple kids? Teeth need to be brushed; kids need to be at school, doctor appointments, and activities on time; baths/showers have to be taken; kids need to stay safely in their rooms at night to get the sleep they need (if you are choosing to have your children sleep independently.) 

All parents want to teach their kids to learn to take responsibility for their actions. ⁠
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For parents of kids who are big reactors, this can feel like an impossible goal because their kids react so negatively, and sometimes explosively, to being corrected. They get angry and defensive, cover their ears, run away, or completely shut down when faced with an adult who is trying to inculcate them in some way.

So many parents have shared stories in recent consults about this vexing phenomenon, which tells me that there are probably many of you out there who are struggling with this, too. So, this blog provides insight and guidance on how to teach kids important lessons when they can't tolerate being corrected.

Why kids have a hard time being corrected

As you know, I am on a mission to help parents experience less stress and more joy with their little ones. It has become very clear from my work in the trenches with families that being comfortable with setting clear limits and boundaries, and implementing them in a way that is loving, is key to achieving this goal. Otherwise, parents are in constant power-struggles with their kids and harboring very negative feelings about them. Nothing feels worse.

It doesn't have to be that way, even with the most intensely reactive kids.

Mastering this skill of setting limits calmly and lovingly often feels elusive and impossible to the moms and dads I work with, when they first come to see me. But this dream has become a reality for so many; they are now in charge in the loving way their children need them to be, and it is truly life-changing for everyone involved.

One of these parents recently asked if I had a cheat-sheet that lays out the key steps to being a loving, limit-setter. While I write extensively on this subject, I realized that I do not have a resource that distills this process down. There's a reason for this: I am not a fan of prescriptive approaches (5 steps to getting your child to sleep; 4 steps to stopping tantrums, and so forth) because they are often formulaic/one-size-fits-all plans that don't take into account all the individual differences in kids and families. And when the system doesn't work, it leaves parents feeling more despairing.

At the same time, I see the value in having an organized way of thinking about how to approach a challenging situation, especially when it is triggering and likely to lead to reactivity, which rarely results in a positive, effective outcome. 

So, in the hopes that it helps you get a promising start to the new year, this edition of the newsletter offers a roadmap for how to respond in difficult moments in a way that is loving and supportive, AND that keeps you in charge by implementing the boundaries children need to learn to cope with life's limits. 

Recently. many parents have recounted stories of giving begging children more time for a desired activity, or giving them multiple chances to correct unacceptable behavior, in the hopes that it will head off a tantrum. But in the end, it backfires.

Let's unpack it.

"Mommy, mommy, pleeeeease, just one more minute (on the tablet...at the playground...playing before bed). I just need ONE MORE MINUTE!"

"Daddy! I need one more chance. I promise I won't (hit my little brother...throw mulch...raid the pantry for a treat) again!"

Children are rarely excited about the end of a fun activity, or about a limit being set on their behavior. So, begging for more time, or a second...third...fourth chance when engaging in unacceptable behavior, is to be expected.

The problem is that giving the extra time or additional chance often backfires, because it teaches your child to negotiate everything, which becomes maddening and exhausting for parents. All the child's energy gets focused on getting more of what they want. One more minute of extra screen time turns quickly into begging for 5 and then 10 more...and then parents are done. They feel manipulated and angry. They flip their lids and resort to yelling and threats. ("It's never enough! If you don't put that tablet down right now, there is no more screen time for a month!") The child melts down (exactly what the parents were trying to avoid), and the whole thing falls apart. Nothing is resolved or learned. Everyone is miserable.

What to do instead?

"My child won't listen" ranks as one of, if not the, most frequent complaints from parents that drive them to schedule a consult. Typical stories include:

Ben (6) has a breakfast bar every morning before school and refuses to throw away the wrapper. He ignores us or outright refuses. We have tried everything to get him to cooperate with this basic rule. We, of course, end up throwing it away. What else are we supposed to do? How do we make him listen?

Kayla (4) refuses to wash her hands before dinner. We have tried rewards, bribes, you name it. Nothing works. She wins every time--her hands just don't get washed. We are so frustrated but are out of tools. How do you make a kid cooperate?

How to get kids to follow directions and make good choices is a topic I have addressed frequently in previous blogs. I am revisiting it here because it speaks to the bane of most parents' existence: the power struggle, which can be eliminated. And, because I have some new insights to share. Even after 30 plus years in the childrearing trenches (my own and with all the families I have had the honor to work with), and having just turned 60!, I am still gaining new understanding about the meaning of kids' behavior and what they need to thrive.

Key Insights

Time to tackle a thorny issue: what to do when your child is not cooperating with an important limit or transition—a “have-to"—and the only way to ensure that the limit is enforced or that the transition is made is by physically handling her. For example, when your child: refuses to get out of the pool; sits down in the middle of the parking lot in protest because you wouldn't get her the unicorn at Target; is being unsafe and destructive and won't voluntarily go to the calm-down corner; or, keeps coming out of her room at bedtime.

Many parents I have talked to recently are uncomfortable with "manhandling" their child. It feels forceful and harsh, understandably.

Since my job is to help parents thread this seemingly elusive needle of staying calm and connected, while also maintaining clear limits and boundaries to keep their children safe and help them learn to adapt to life's limits and expectations, I have had to grapple with how to best handle these very tense moments. Here is where I have landed. I share my thought process so you see how and why I came up with this approach. You can then decide whether it resonates and feels comfortable for you.

So many parents I talk to these days are overwhelmed and confused about how to apply all the messages and strategies they get from social media to their specific child and family.⁠ The suggestions sound great in theory, but in practice often don’t work, leaving parents feeling worse—more incompetent than they already felt, and wondering, “What’s wrong with me and my child?”

Previously, I have addressed parents' confusion about time in versus time out—a false dichotomy. It is simply not true, and I will go out on a limb and say it is potentially harmful, to suggest that giving your child and yourself space in a very heated moment, especially when your child is being destructive, is NOT rejection, abandonment, or discounting your child's feelings. It's all in the way you implement the break.
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Here I tackle the confusion around giving children choices.

Working in the trenches everyday with families continues to yield new insights, even after 35 years. One recent, powerful observation is that parents are doing WAY too much when kids are having a having a hard time. As always, this comes from the most loving place: parents don't want to see their children in distress and will do whatever they can to relieve that discomfort.

It also comes from a misinterpretation of messages many of my families have absorbed on social media about the importance of accepting, validating, and being present when kids are distressed. This translates into parents believing they are harming their children—sending them the message that their feelings don't matter and they are alone—if they are not constantly by their side, repeating empathetic phrases to show they understand, or trying to get their child to talk about his feelings. This has become equated in their minds with abandoning their child in his time of need.

Just yesterday I talked to a mom who is very confused about how to best support her 5-year-old who is a very big reactor and has major meltdowns, especially when screen time is over. She calls it “Groundhog’s Day”: despite implementing the same plan day after day—their son chooses a show and they turn it off when it’s over, they don’t cave and stick to the limit—he has a huge tantrum every single time. She is doing everything “right”—she stays calm and validates his feelings—but at some point she needs to tend to her two other children (3 yo and a baby), and worries, based on what she has read, that it is harmful to her son to not be by his side for the entire duration of his meltdown.

Every week I hear from multiple parents who have done great work setting clear limits in a loving way, but are concerned that their limits are wrong or not working because their child continues to protest and not accept the boundary, even after parents repeatedly follow through and don't cave on the limit or get drawn into a protracted power struggle.

The mindshift to make is that the goal is not to get your child to like, agree with, or accept the limit, or even to change his behavior—something you have no control over. 

The true purpose of the limit is to stay in charge in the positive way your child needs you to be, and to avoid the pernicious power struggle that is so detrimental and destructive to both kids and parents. 

Take the case of Ari, who was coming in and out of his room for hours after lights-out. When his parents, Jen and Arash, stopped trying to coax, reward, bribe or threaten Ari to agree to stay in his room—none of which had been successful—they put a boundary on his door. But Ari continued to scream at the top of his lungs for 5 to 10 minutes every night before falling asleep, even though they stuck to the plan and did not react to his shouting for them. (They did walk by his room periodically to whisper a soothing mantra to assure him they were still there and all was right with the world. More on approaches to setting up loving sleep plans can be found here.) Jen and Arash worried that Ari's continued upset and protests meant that the limit wasn't working or was harmful. 

Au contraire. Let's look at all the positive outcomes of this limit:

I am going to go out on a limb and assume that many of you who take the time out of your busy days to read this blog have a big reactor under your roof, who has been known to hurl vitriol ("You are a toilethead", "You don't belong in this house anymore") and/or is aggressive with her body--hitting, kicking, biting. No doubt, these are among the most vexing challenges parents face. And no doubt, these big reactors need to learn to express their emotions in more acceptable, healthy ways.

As I work with families to attain this important goal, a major obstacle almost always emerges: the parents' mindset. Moms and dads are interpreting and then reacting in these moments as if their child harbors malicious intent; that he means to be harmful with his words and his body. This triggers a harsh, punitive and shaming reaction that only reinforces these unwanted behaviors.

This excerpt from my new book, Why Is My Child In Charge? elucidates this mindset, and the mindshift that enables you to stay calm, not further escalate the situation, and ultimately teach your child how to effectively manage his big emotions.

MINDSET: My child harbors malicious intent when she is aggressive with her words and actions.

When I collaborate with families to solve the childrearing challenges they are facing, we start by doing the detective work of putting the pieces of the puzzle together that help us understand the meaning of their child's behavior. Only then can I provide guidance that is developmentally appropriate and effective, because it addresses the root cause of the challenge. One-size-fits-all approaches that simply address a behavior, absent an understanding of the function and meaning of that behavior, is rarely effective. Indeed, most families who come to see me have already tried prescriptive approaches to stopping tantrums or getting their kids to sleep. When these systems don't work, parents feel they have failed and despair that they won't find a way to successfully solve these challenges.

Below I lay out the key factors for decoding the meaning of your child's behavior to enables you to devise strategies that address the underlying issues at work. This opens the door to being the loving, in charge parent your kids need you to be.

KEY FACTORS

Multiple times a week I talk with parents who report the following: their kids are superstars at school—calm, cooperative, collaborative—but are terrors at home. They break down over seemingly minor issues, don't "listen", and are very inflexible and demanding. Like Eva, 4, whose teachers report that she is one of the most cooperative and best helpers in the class. She is kind to her friends and is good at sharing. She is empathetic—always the first one to comfort a peer who is struggling. In short, she is a total delight. At home it is a very different story. Eva is demanding. She ignores her parents' directions, and she melts down if she can’t have what she wants, when she wants it.

Eva’s parents are thrilled that she is doing so well in school; but they are perplexed and angry that she “chooses” to be so difficult at home when she clearly has the ability to show much more self-control. They are at a loss for how to make sense of their Jekyll-and-Hyde daughter and how to get her to behave at home as she does in the classroom.

While this phenomenon is confusing and maddening to parents, when you look at it from your child’s perspective, it begins to make sense and opens up the door to responding in ways that can increase cooperation and reduce power struggles at home.

See It From Your Child’s Point-of-View