"You have to put all my blocks back exactly the way I had them! You are not allowed to touch my blocks!" 

"Stop talking to mommy! I have a question and she needs to listen to me right now!"(Shouting at dad who is in a conversation with mom.) ⁠

While kids of all temperaments have been known to act like dictators at times, parents who have HSCs (highly sensitive children) report that their children make these kinds of seemingly outrageous demands on a regular basis. If the demand is not met, their kids can be very angsty and unpleasant. There may be a lot of whining or a full-blown tantrum. Many parents have said they feel like they are "negotiating with terrorists" during these encounters.

⁠These moments are so maddening because:⁠
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1) The tone the child takes is mortifying and "obnoxious" and totally unacceptable.⁠
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2) What triggers the child seems so minor and irrational, and makes parents feel like their they are raising spoiled brats that they need to "toughen up."⁠

This makes it very challenging for parents who are working so hard to be the empathetic, calm, connected moms and dads they want to be. ⁠

A common knee-jerk reaction is to admonish or correct: "You can't talk to us that way! It is disrespectful." This tends to amp kids up further. They are quick to shame in the face of being corrected—which they experience as criticism— propelling them into further dysregulation. When their brains are flooded with overwhelming feelings, they are unable to process or learn any lesson you are trying to teach them.⁠ (Here's more on how to teach lessons to kids who can't tolerate being corrected.) 

What Your Child Needs

I met with a family recently with a 23-month-old (whom I'll call Aiden) who is biting. Naturally, the parents (Maritza and Oliver) are very concerned because other families are getting upset at their children being the victims of these bites.

Like many parents who find themselves in this situation, Maritza and Oliver want to do whatever they can to stop the biting. They believe/hope that punishment will end this behavior; that Aiden will want to please them and not get into trouble, which will motivate him to stop this behavior. So they have been using a harsh voice and putting him in time-out, or taking desired toys and activities away.

Meanwhile, Aiden has been walking around the house saying, "No biting. Aiden no bite," throughout the day. Just like us, kids replay experiences over and over that are emotionally-charged, trying to make sense of what it all means. This puts Aiden in a quandary, because what he does understand is that his parents are unhappy with him, but what he does not have is the impulse control to stop himself when he has this urge to bite. This puts him in a very uncomfortable, impossible situation. (It also means that no amount of threats or punishment is likely going to help him stop this behavior.)

As I guide Maritza and Oliver to do the detective work to figure out as best we can what the root cause is of the biting, we identify a pattern: the biting happens when Aiden is triggered into over-arousal. He is happily playing rough-and-tumble with his dad and then, out of nowhere, he chomps into Oliver's arm. Or, he is racing up and down the slide, and after a few rounds of this, sinks his teeth into a child next to him in line.

So, the punishment is not working because:

One of the most challenging situations families of big reactors face is what to do when their children are so out of control that they are destructive. They are "going to a category five in a nanosecond" and there is no calming them once they are triggered. Their meltdowns are frequent and intense. In the heat of these "red-zone" moments—when their children are hurling objects, kicking, hitting, biting, scratching and spitting—these parents are pushed to their emotional, and physical, limit. They instinctively know that a break is necessary—for themselves and their children.

The problem is that most have spent a fair amount of time on social media and have been barraged with the message that time-out is not developmentally appropriate and can be detrimental to their child; that it is negating children's feelings and tantamount to traumatizing them by abandoning them when they are in distress. What loving parent would do something that could be so harmful to their child?

This leaves these parents in despair, feeling like their hands are tied, totally helpless. It is an awful feeling that is not good for them or their kids.

Few things are more vexing than when children are physically aggressive: hitting, kicking, pushing, biting, pinching. Many parents I work with worry that this kind of behavior signals a lack of empathy. One dad recently wondered about something that is perplexing to many parents: "How could we—such loving, peaceful people—have created a kid who can be so hurtful?”  

At the same time, parents fear the consequences for their child: Will she be seen as a bully? Will other children not want to play with him? Will she get kicked out of preschool? And for themselves: Will I be alienated from the other parents who judge me because of my child’s behavior? 

These are all very natural concerns which understandably trigger intense reactions. In an effort to eliminate these aggressive behaviors, most parents become harsh and punitive. They shame: “What is wrong with you? Why would you want to hurt your friend?”  They use threats and punishment: “No TV time for the rest of the week if you hit again!” Or, instill fear: “No one will ever want to play with you if you hurt them.”  

The problem with these tactics is that while they may seem logical from an adult perspective—that they should motivate a child to stop the behaviors—they often backfire for several reasons: