Why Punishment Doesn't Stop Aggressive Behavior

Few things are more vexing than when children are physically aggressive: hitting, kicking, pushing, biting, pinching. Many parents I work with worry that this kind of behavior signals a lack of empathy. One dad recently wondered about something that is perplexing to many parents: "How could we—such loving, peaceful people—have created a kid who can be so hurtful?”  

At the same time, parents fear the consequences for their child: Will she be seen as a bully? Will other children not want to play with him? Will she get kicked out of preschool? And for themselves: Will I be alienated from the other parents who judge me because of my child’s behavior? 

These are all very natural concerns which understandably trigger intense reactions. In an effort to eliminate these aggressive behaviors, most parents become harsh and punitive. They shame: “What is wrong with you? Why would you want to hurt your friend?”  They use threats and punishment: “No TV time for the rest of the week if you hit again!” Or, instill fear: “No one will ever want to play with you if you hurt them.”  

The problem with these tactics is that while they may seem logical from an adult perspective—that they should motivate a child to stop the behaviors—they often backfire for several reasons: