Why is My Child in Charge?

Through stories from my practice, I show parents how making critical mindshifts—seeing their children’s behaviors through a new lens—empowers them to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. This process puts parents back in the driver’s seat, where they belong and where their children need them to be. These real life stories provide a roadmap for how to tune into the root causes of children’s behavior and how to create and implement strategies that are tailored to the unique needs of each child and family. Through these stories, I provide a treasure trove of practical solutions that are based in science and which work in real life.

Why Is My Child In Charge? picks up where other books have left parents hanging. Most parenting books offer solutions that sound good on paper but don’t work in practice. They are aspirational rather than achievable, or they offer one-size-fits-all approaches that don’t meet the needs of an individual child. They can compound parents’ feelings of frustration and thus, can be counterproductive. Case by case, I unpack the individualized process she guides parents through to solve the most common challenges such as throwing tantrums in public; delaying bedtime for hours; refusing to participate in family mealtimes; and resisting potty training. Employing a relatable story-telling approach, I elucidate:

The faulty mindsets that pose obstacles to parents seeing the situation more objectively
The essential mindshifts that enable parents to quickly identify the root causes of the problem
The development of an action plan tailored to each unique child and family

Why Is My Child in Charge? is like having a child development specialist in your home. It shows how you can develop “win-win” strategies that translate into adaptable, happy kids and calm, connected and in-control parents. It will help you be the parent you want to be.

Praise for Why is My Child In Charge?

Lerner turns her decades of experience into an easy-to-implement guide for navigating common sticking points of early childhood. [Shifting] parents’ perspectives to accept ‘that you can’t control your children but you can control the situation,’ as that mindset ‘enables you to focus on changing your reactions in a way that reduces power struggles.’ Lerner bolsters her advice with case studies and real-world anecdotes. Parents of young children in particular will welcome Lerner’s perspective and actionable advice.

—Publishers Weekly
Claire Lerner’s new book Why is My Child in Charge? is a truly amazing book. Lerner brings her vast clinical experience working with families together with her deep knowledge about child and brain development to write a book that will help every parent with young children. The brilliance of Lerner’s book lies in its core message: young children communicate with us through their behaviors; if we can understand what their behaviors are telling us, we will be able to give children what they need. . . With Lerner’s wisdom and advice, parents have the insights and tools to ‘experience less stress and more joy,’ – something that every family needs!

—Helen Egger, MD, Co-Founder and Chief Medical and Scientific Officer, Little Otter. Formerly, Chair of Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, NYU Langone Health; Division Director of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry; Duke University Health Center
The roadmap that Ms. Lerner provides to meet the challenges of parenting little ones is filled with practical examples that will resonate for so many parents. This book is compelling to read, as parents will find their own struggles mirrored in the examples that Ms. Lerner provides. From my perspective as a primary care pediatrician, this book meets the needs of families like so many I’ve seen throughout my years in practice. . . This volume guides parents by providing clear strategies to finding or regaining the joy in parenting.

—Ellie Hamburger, MD, Medical Director, Children's National Pediatricians and Associates
Child development–specialist Claire Lerner, LCSW, recently-published book, Why Is My Child in Charge?, helps parents shift their [own] reactions vs. struggling to alter their children's reactions. This is a power struggle many of us experience with our own children. Lerner's book [offers a roadmap to] lessen stress and rekindle the joy of parenting.

– Barbi Topek, LCSW, Menninger Clinic
This book clearly outlines common problems parents face while raising young children and uses specific examples to show how to overcome those problems. As a parent coach and speech therapist, I can’t wait to use this book as part primer, part inspiration in my work. Thanks to Claire Lerner for this gift to parents and professionals everywhere!

– Gabriele S. Nicolet, MA, CCC-SLP, Owner, co-Founder of www.speechkids.com and www.raisingorchidkids.com
As both a mother and school counselor, I wish I had this book years ago! Claire Lerner draws on her many years of experience with young children to help parents navigate some of the most common and frustrating challenges, from sleep and mealtime issues to managing transitions and disappointment. Through relatable stories and practical tips, she reframes “discipline” as simply teaching and setting loving limits, and helps parents shed any other faulty mindsets that might be getting in their way. If you want to know what to do when a child melts down because they can’t have a cookie for dinner, makes a million demands to delay bedtime or fears the potty, “Why is My Child in Charge” is your book! It's the reassuring roadmap that will help you battle your child less and enjoy parenting them more.

– Phyllis L. Fagell, LCPC, school counselor at Sheridan School in Washington, D.C., and author of “Middle School Matters”
Parenting young children is a constant test of our patience and creativity — and at some point, we all feel like we are flunking. Claire Lerner’s “Why Is My Child in Charge?” is an eminently practical book that tackles the hot-button issues that parents struggle with most: tantrums, physical aggression, sleep, potty training, and mealtime challenges. Lerner draws from her years of experience as a child and family therapist — offering vivid stories from diverse parents who come to her eager for help. Her tone is affirming and her wisdom is spot-on. While this book is aimed at parents, it’s equally valuable for childcare workers and early childhood educators.

– Deborah Farmer Kris, parenting journalist for PBS KIDS and NPR’s MindShift and founder of Parenthood365
Parents of toddlers - your handbook has arrived! Using a combination of relatable anecdotes and concrete strategies to address common toddler conundrums, Claire Lerner helps parents address their own expectation gaps about parenting and provides critical mindshifts to ease frustrations.

– Katie Hurley, LCSW, award winning author of No More Mean Girls and The Happy Kid Handbook
A kind and compassionate guide to parenting in a way that you can feel good about—and that works for both you and your child. I love the fact that this book moves beyond the “why” of parenting to really zero in on the “how.” Parents will appreciate this practical and strategy-rich book.

– Ann Douglas, author, Happy Parents, Happy Kids and Parenting Through the Storm
Claire has mastered communication with young children and provides an excellent, tangible framework for parents. I have used Claire as my go-to parenting resource for over 10 years, and I am thrilled to be able to direct families to Why is My Child in Charge?

—Ellen O'Brien, MD, pediatrician
Claire Lerner has a gift for combining a realistic, compassionate and science-backed approach to parenting young children. This book has so many practical tools and strategies that help parents guide their children through the everyday challenges that can lead both parents and kids in a cycle of feeling disempowered and insecure. This book will change your parenting experience!

— Aliza W. Pressman, PhD, host of Raising Good Humans podcast, cofounder, Mount Sinai Parenting Center, assistant clinical professor, Kravis Children's Hospital, Icahn School of Medicine

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Why is My Child in Charge?

Parents of toddlers - your handbook has arrived! Using a combination of relatable anecdotes and concrete strategies to address common toddler conundrums, Claire Lerner helps parents address their own expectation gaps about parenting and provides critical mindshifts to ease frustrations.

A kind and compassionate guide to parenting in a way that you can feel good about—and that works for both you and your child. I love the fact that this book moves beyond the “why” of parenting to really zero in on the “how.” Parents will appreciate this practical and strategy-rich book.

Claire has mastered communication with young children and provides an excellent, tangible framework for parents. I have used Claire as my go-to parenting resource for over 10 years, and I am thrilled to be able to direct families to Why is My Child in Charge?

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