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About the book: Through stories from my practice, I show parents how making critical mindshifts—seeing their children’s behaviors through a new lens —empowers them to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. This process puts parents back in the driver’s seat, where they belong and where their children need them to be. These real life stories provide a roadmap for how to tune into the root causes of children’s behavior and how to create and implement strategies that are tailored to the unique needs of each child and family. Through these stories, I provide a treasure trove of practical solutions that are based in science and which work in real life.
Why I wrote this book: I never had any intention of writing a parenting book. There are so many good ones already out there that provide very helpful information and strategies for dealing with the range of childrearing challenges that arise in the early years. What could I possibly have to add?
Most parents who seek my consultation have already read many of these excellent parenting books. They are all well aware that they, not their children, are supposed to be in charge. They know that limits and boundaries are essential for keeping kids safe and secure, and to help them learn to cope with life’s inevitable frustrations and disappointments. They are clear on the importance of managing their own emotions and not losing it when their child is melting down. But in the heat of the moment, they get triggered into reactive mode and resort to yelling, bribery, negotiation and threats—tactics they know are ultimately ineffective and potentially detrimental.
The lesson: reading books by experts is one thing, carrying out their advice when emotions are running high is another. By the time parents arrive in my office, most are feeling out of control and helpless. They are berating themselves for being incompetent in the face of a human a third their size and are often frustrated and angry at their children for making them feel this way. They despair that the three to four precious waking hours (at best for working parents) they have with their children are spent in power struggles and negotiations. Lots of aggravation and not enough joy.
So, I asked myself, what is the missing piece of the puzzle? What is the obstacle to moms and dads being the parents they want to be?
I found the answer as I carefully observed how the dynamics unfold between parents and children in their most challenging moments in the reality of their homes. I started incorporating home visits into my practice because parents were coming back, consult after consult, reporting that the strategies we had come up with in the comfort of my stress-free office were great, in theory. But back home, when confronted with their children making irrational demands, defying a direction, or saying and doing inappropriate things, they were triggered into reactivity mode and had a hard time implementing a “positive parenting” plan.
As I guided parents to reflect on and analyze these maddening encounters with their children, I began to gain insight into the core stumbling block: a number of consistent, parental mindsets that result in moms and dads reacting in ways that are ineffective and often increase the intensity and frequency of meltdowns, power-struggles and other challenging behaviors. For example, the legion of parents who were tearing their hair out and dreading bedtime because their children were making incessant demands for more books, more water, or more cuddling time—essentially more of everything. The routine could go on for hours. Parents were exhausted, angry and feeling helpless to establish a bedtime with boundaries. When we explored what was keeping them from setting limits at night, the most common culprit was their feeling in these moments that it was mean to say “no” to something their child said she needed; and that the tantrums that would ensue when their child was denied the extra story or bedtime snack was inherently harmful to her.
And then there were the parents frustrated by their children “not listening” or cooperating. These parents had tried everything—multiple reminders (aka nagging), cajoling, rewards (aka bribery) and threats to get their children to follow a direction. The faulty mindset at play for these parents: that they needed to, and had the power to, control their children—to make them behave—and that the way to go about this was by using the above tactics to get their children to change their behavior and comply. The problem is that these strategies were leading to less, not more, cooperation because the outcome of the situation was in their children’s hands; it was dependent on whether the child accepted the bribe/reward or feared the threat and agreed, for example, to put down his toy and get into the car seat.
Until these kinds of subconscious beliefs become conscious, they continue to get in the way of parents acting on their best intentions and providing the loving limits, boundaries and support their young children need to thrive. Once parents become aware of the mindsets at play in their interactions with their children, they are able to make essential mindshifts that make it possible for them to change their reactions to their children in a way that reduces challenging behaviors and creates more positive connections between parents and children.
So, Why Is My Child In Charge? picks up where other books have left parents hanging. Most parenting books offer solutions that sound good on paper but don’t work in practice. They are aspirational rather than achievable, or they offer one-size-fits-all approaches that don’t meet the needs of an individual child. They can compound parents’ feelings of frustration and thus, can be counterproductive. Case by case, I unpack the individualized process she guides parents through to solve the most common challenges such as throwing tantrums in public; delaying bedtime for hours; refusing to participate in family mealtimes; and resisting potty training. Employing a relatable story-telling approach, I elucidate:
The faulty mindsets that pose obstacles to parents seeing the situation more objectively
The essential mindshifts that enable parents to quickly identify the root causes of the problem
The development of an action plan tailored to each unique child and family
Why is My Child in Charge? is like having a child development specialist in your home. It shows how you can develop “win-win” strategies that translate into adaptable, happy kids and calm, connected and in-control parents. It will help you be the parent you want to be.
Rowman & Littlefield Publisher
ISBN: 978-1-5381-4900-3
Pages: 224 • Trim: 5½ x 8½
978-1-5381-4900-3 • Hardback • September 2021 • $24.95 • (£18.95)
978-1-5381-4901-0 • eBook • September 2021 • $23.50 • (£17.95) (coming soon)
Podcasts
Praise for Why Is My Child In Charge?
Child development–specialist Lerner turns her decades of experience into an easy-to-implement guide for navigating common sticking points of early childhood. Her goal is to shift parents’ perspectives so as to accept “that you can’t control your children but you can control the situation,” as that mindset “enables you to focus on changing your reactions in a way that reduces power struggles.” After identifying eight “faulty mindsets” (such as “my child is misbehaving on purpose” and “experiencing failure is harmful for my child”), Lerner tackles thorny issues such as tantrums (parents should view them as a form of “temporary distress” that ultimately leads to resilience), aggression (creating a “cooldown space” can help), and potty training (reframe it as “potty learning,” to start). Lerner bolsters her advice with case studies and real-world anecdotes: to end mealtime battles, for example, Lerner writes of a child who was provided two plates, one for preferred foods and the other a “learning plate,” which encouraged her to try new things. Recap strategy lists round out chapters, providing straightforward steps that will help readers put her advice into practice. Parents of young children in particular will welcome Lerner’s perspective and actionable advice.
—Publishers Weekly
Claire Lerner’s new book Why is My Child in Charge? is a truly amazing book. Lerner brings her vast clinical experience working with families together with her deep knowledge about child development and brain development to write a book that will help every parent with young children. The brilliance of Lerner’s book lies in its core message: young children communicate with us through their behaviors; if we can understand what their behaviors are telling us, we will be able to give children what they need.
Lerner shows parents how to shift their perspective to see their child’s behaviors in the context of their child’s development, temperament, and in the context of their unique family and culture. And she teaches parents how they can use this understanding to develop a new approach that has a plan of action and a plan for assessing whether this new approach is working. With Lerner’s wisdom and advice, parents have the insights and tools to ”experience less stress and more joy,” as a family–something that every family with young children needs!
—Helen Egger, MD, Co-Founder and Chief Medical and Scientific Officer, Little Otter, a virtual early childhood mental health company. Formerly, Chair of Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at NYU Langone Health and Division Director of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at Duke University Health Center
The roadmap that Ms. Lerner provides to meet the challenges of parenting little ones is filled with practical examples that will resonate for so many parents. This book is compelling to read, as parents will find their own struggles mirrored in the examples that Ms. Lerner provides, along with clear and practical solutions. From my own perspective as a primary care pediatrician, this book meets the needs of families like so many I’ve seen throughout my years in practice who despaired in gaining control at home with their toddlers. Based on sound principles of child development and years of experience, this volume guides parents by providing clear strategies to finding or regaining the joy in parenting.
—Ellie Hamburger, MD, Medical Director, Children's National Pediatricians and Associates
Child development–specialist Claire Lerner, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, recently published book Why Is My Child in Charge? helps parents shift their perspectives towards focusing on changing their reactions vs struggling to alter their children's reactions. This is a power struggle many of us experience with our own children. Lerner's book (offers a roadmap to) lessen stress and rekindle the joy of parenting.
-Barbi Topek, LCSW, Menninger Clinic
This book clearly outlines common problems parents face while raising young children and uses specific examples to show how to overcome those problems. The author’s combination of practical strategies along with mindset shifts that parents need create a “total package” of change that parents can use today. As a parent coach and speech therapist, I can’t wait to use this book as part primer, part inspiration in my work. Thanks to Claire Lerner for this gift to parents and professionals everywhere!
-Gabriele S. Nicolet, MA, CCC-SLP, Owner, co-Founder of www.speechkids.com and www.raisingorchidkids.com
As both a mother and school counselor, I wish I had this book years ago! Claire Lerner draws on her many years of experience with young children to help parents navigate some of the most common and frustrating challenges, from sleep and mealtime issues to managing transitions and disappointment. Through relatable stories and practical tips, she reframes “discipline” as simply teaching and setting loving limits, and helps parents shed any other faulty mindsets that might be getting in their way.
If you want to know what to do when a child melts down because they can’t have a cookie for dinner, makes a million demands to delay bedtime or fears the potty, “Why is My Child in Charge” is your book! It's the reassuring roadmap that will help you battle your child less and enjoy parenting them more.
-Phyllis L. Fagell, LCPC, school counselor at Sheridan School in Washington, D.C., and author of “Middle School Matters”
Parenting young children is a constant test of our patience and creativity — and at some point, we all feel like we are flunking. Claire Lerner’s “Why Is My Child in Charge?” is an eminently practical book that tackles the hot-button issues that parents struggle with most: tantrums, physical aggression, sleep, potty training, and mealtime challenges. Lerner draws from her years of experience as a child and family therapist — offering vivid stories from diverse parents who come to her eager for help. Her tone is affirming and her wisdom is spot-on. While this book is aimed at parents, it’s equally valuable for childcare workers and early childhood educators.
~Deborah Farmer Kris, parenting journalist for PBS KIDS and NPR’s MindShift and founder of Parenthood365
Parents of toddlers - your handbook has arrived! Using a combination of relatable anecdotes and concrete strategies to address common toddler conundrums, Claire Lerner helps parents address their own expectation gaps about parenting and provides critical mindshifts to ease frustrations.
-Katie Hurley, LCSW, award winning author of No More Mean Girls and The Happy Kid Handbook
A kind and compassionate guide to parenting in a way that you can feel good about—and that works for both you and your child. I love the fact that this book moves beyond the “why” of parenting to really zero in on the “how.” Parents will appreciate this practical and strategy-rich book.
- Ann Douglas, author, Happy Parents, Happy Kids and Parenting Through the Storm
Claire has mastered communication with young children and provides an excellent, tangible framework for parents. I have used Claire as my go-to parenting resource for over 10 years, and I am thrilled to be able to direct families to Why is My Child in Charge?
—Ellen O'Brien, MD, pediatrician
Claire Lerner has a gift for combining a realistic, compassionate and science-backed approach to parenting young children. This book has so many practical tools and strategies that help parents guide their children through the everyday challenges that can lead both parents and kids in a cycle of feeling disempowered and insecure. This book will change your parenting experience!
—Aliza W. Pressman, PhD, host of Raising Good Humans podcast, cofounder, Mount Sinai Parenting Center, assistant clinical professor, Kravis Children's Hospital, Icahn School of Medicine
Author Bio
CLAIRE LERNER, MSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and child development specialist. She served as the Director of Parenting Resources at ZERO TO THREE for more than twenty years. Claire has also been a practicing clinician for 35 years, partnering with parents to decode their children’s behavior and solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. Claire also provides training to local preschools and pediatric residents. Claire is the author of hundreds of parenting resources, including books, blogs, podcasts, and videos. She writes a column for PBS Kids, and her work has been published by several parenting publications. She has also served as a content expert for numerous national daily newspapers. Claire is the mother of two very spirited children of her own, Sam (30) and Jess (28), and mom to two stepchildren, Justin (30) and Sammy (27). She lives in Washington, DC with her husband and two, also spirited, pups.