When Kids Act Like Dictators
"You have to put all my blocks back exactly the way I had them! You are not allowed to touch my blocks!"
"Stop talking to mommy! I have a question and she needs to listen to me right now!"(Shouting at dad who is in a conversation with mom.)
While kids of all temperaments have been known to act like dictators at times, parents who have HSCs (highly sensitive children) report that their children make these kinds of seemingly outrageous demands on a regular basis. If the demand is not met, their kids can be very angsty and unpleasant. There may be a lot of whining or a full-blown tantrum. Many parents have said they feel like they are "negotiating with terrorists" during these encounters.
These moments are so maddening because:
1) The tone the child takes is mortifying and "obnoxious" and totally unacceptable.
2) What triggers the child seems so minor and irrational, and makes parents feel like their they are raising spoiled brats that they need to "toughen up."
This makes it very challenging for parents who are working so hard to be the empathetic, calm, connected moms and dads they want to be.
A common knee-jerk reaction is to admonish or correct: "You can't talk to us that way! It is disrespectful." This tends to amp kids up further. They are quick to shame in the face of being corrected—which they experience as criticism— propelling them into further dysregulation. When their brains are flooded with overwhelming feelings, they are unable to process or learn any lesson you are trying to teach them. (Here's more on how to teach lessons to kids who can't tolerate being corrected.)
What Your Child Needs
Responding most effectively in these moments requires making an important mindshift: your child is not a master manipulator or spoiled brat, or losing it on purpose when they don't get what they want.
I believe the root cause of this demanding behavior is that because HSCs register sensations and experiences so deeply, their systems can't effectively process the intensity of this input, so they get overwhelmed more easily. This means they are more prone to agitation and discomfort, which can make them more irritable than other children. When a want or need arises, or when something unexpected happens, it feels so uncomfortable that they demand it be addressed immediately. They are desperate to get out of the discomfort experienced when, for example, they find their blocks are not exactly as they had left them; or, they have to wait to get their parents' full attention.
I find that when parents see their child's behavior from this perspective, they feel more empathetic toward them, and are better able to respond in a loving and effective way that helps kids learn to tolerate when things don't happen the way they want or expect.
What does that look like?
1) Validate their experience.
2) Set and follow through with the appropriate limit.
3) Tolerate the fallout.
"I know you don't like it when we move your toys. That will happen sometimes when we need to clean that area and you are not home. I am happy to help you rebuild them in a safer place when you are ready and when you can ask in a respectful/kind voice."
"I know it's hard to wait. I will finish my discussion with daddy and am eager to hear what your question is when we are done."
I know Step 3, tolerating the fallout that is inevitable when you don't acquiesce to their demand, is easier said than done. It can help to remind yourself that the protests and meltdowns when kids don't get what they want are not harmful to them. They need you to be their rock and show you can weather the storm, and not get drawn into the black hole of trying to make it all better. (This blog goes deep into how to calm big reactors.)
It is a gift to your child (and you) not to make a bigger deal out of these incidents. Your child needs to know that you understand what they are trying to communicate and what they are struggling with; that you are not angry about it; AND, that because you are their most important teacher, you are going to help them manage it. You do this by setting the important limits that help them learn to cope with their discomfort now, so they ultimately experience less discomfort in the long term, and often become less demanding.
In setting these limits, lovingly, you are also sending a very important message to your child: that you have faith in them to manage their frustration/disappointment, which builds their sense of self-control and confidence. Setting expectations shows you believe in your child. They are often more resilient than you think they are.
For more on dealing with demanding behavior
For more on how to understand and support HSCs