Elizabeth is a single mom by choice. She had yearned for a child for a very long time and had to go through many procedures to have Mireille (5), the HSCs featured in the introduction to this chapter. Elizabeth had spent a lot of time fantasizing about the close bond they would have—being on their own, together—and how happy she would make her child. But now Elizabeth finds herself totally exhausted. She feels suffocated by Mireille whose needs seem to be endless. “If I try to gather a moment of space to regulate myself, which sometimes I need to do to avoid becoming punitive or yelling, it intensifies her distress. She will follow me and come into my physical space. I can feel how desperate she is for my comfort, which I’m absolutely willing to give her, just once I’ve calmed myself down.” Mireille also ruminates. When Elizabeth says they can’t go to the playground because it’s raining, Mireille will whine and mope, talk incessantly about how much she’s missing the swings…for hours. She will get a tiny scratch and nurse and complain about it for the entire day.

Mireille protests every limit Elizabeth tries to set, such as no screens during mealtimes and not snacking all day. Elizabeth finds herself often caving on these limits even though she knows this isn’t good for Mireille. They’re late to school every day which is becoming a problem. The teacher reports that Mireille is calmer and more engaged when she arrives on time. Joining the class late is dysregulating. She’s out-of-sorts on those days.

Mireille’s meltdowns are so epic that Elizabeth worries she’s too fragile to tolerate not getting what she wants. She’s afraid that Mireille’s anger in these moments will taint the strong, connected relationship she’s trying to build with Mireille—her number one priority. Further, Elizabeth can’t tolerate seeing Mireille in distress as she (mistakenly) equates it with being unhappy. She focuses all her energy on rescuing Mireille from any discomfort. She hopes that constantly filling Mireille’s cup will make her feel safe, secure and loved, and make her a happy and content child.

By the time Elizabeth comes to see me, she’s beginning to see that this approach isn’t making Mireille more content. In fact, she’s becoming more demanding and the stress in their relationship is growing—the exact opposite of the connection she’s trying to forge with Mireille. That’s how she knew it was time to seek help. Through our work, Elizabeth gained the following insights:

• Mireille is actually a very competent child who is quite resilient. At school and with other adults, she is able to manage disappointment and frustration and regulate her big emotions.

• This demand for constant connection may be what Mireille wants, but this kind of unhealthy attachment is not what she needs. ⁠It’s also not healthy for Elizabeth to feel suffocated by Mireille—to have no personal space, to feel like Mireille is trying to control her, and that she’s feeling AT Elizabeth. This is not enabling her to be the mom she wants to be for Mireille.

• Mireille may want to be in charge, but that’s also something that’s not good for her or what she needs. This dynamic has resulted in unhealthy outcomes for Mireille, like getting to school late, too much screen time and too many sweets. She and Mireille are also locked in protracted power struggles which is causing Elizabeth great despair and worry.

• The lack of limits is what is causing so much stress in the family and is the biggest obstacle to solidifying the close, trusting relationship Elizabeth so badly wants with Mireille.

With this change in mindset, Elizabeth makes the following changes:

This exclamation was made by a highly sensitive child (HSC), when, after a wonderful day with hours of fun and joy, her dad said "no" to going back downstairs (once she was already in bed with lights out). She insisted she needed to check on a Magnatile structure she had been working on earlier that day.

I can't tell you how many times a week I hear stories like this from parents. Their HSC has a great day with lots of good stuff; and then one, often seemingly minor, event/disappointment happens and everything is ruined. 
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After decades of working with families of HSCs, and parenting my own, I understand that this is often part of the deal with these deeply feeling kids: they live life at the extremes. They are ecstatic or enraged. They tend to process their experiences in this all or nothing, black and white way. It's all good or all bad. They have a harder time living in the gray.
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The temptation, naturally, is to try to get them to see that there was so much good in their day, to talk them out of this all-encompassing, negative state, which seems so unfortunate and sad—for them to see the world this way. But that usually results in the HSC, in reaction to being told how to feel, doubling-down to prove to you that in fact, everything is indeed ruined. ⁠

⁠⁠Keep in mind that this doesn't mean the good stuff isn't getting through or having a positive impact on them. This awareness may also help you avoid the temptation to try to get them to acknowledge it or feel it in that moment. ⁠

"You have to put all my blocks back exactly the way I had them! You are not allowed to touch my blocks!" 

"Stop talking to mommy! I have a question and she needs to listen to me right now!"(Shouting at dad who is in a conversation with mom.) ⁠

While kids of all temperaments have been known to act like dictators at times, parents who have HSCs (highly sensitive children) report that their children make these kinds of seemingly outrageous demands on a regular basis. If the demand is not met, their kids can be very angsty and unpleasant. There may be a lot of whining or a full-blown tantrum. Many parents have said they feel like they are "negotiating with terrorists" during these encounters.

⁠These moments are so maddening because:⁠
⁠
1) The tone the child takes is mortifying and "obnoxious" and totally unacceptable.⁠
⁠
2) What triggers the child seems so minor and irrational, and makes parents feel like their they are raising spoiled brats that they need to "toughen up."⁠

This makes it very challenging for parents who are working so hard to be the empathetic, calm, connected moms and dads they want to be. ⁠

A common knee-jerk reaction is to admonish or correct: "You can't talk to us that way! It is disrespectful." This tends to amp kids up further. They are quick to shame in the face of being corrected—which they experience as criticism— propelling them into further dysregulation. When their brains are flooded with overwhelming feelings, they are unable to process or learn any lesson you are trying to teach them.⁠ (Here's more on how to teach lessons to kids who can't tolerate being corrected.) 

What Your Child Needs

Working in the trenches everyday with families continues to yield new insights, even after 35 years. One recent, powerful observation is that parents are doing WAY too much when kids are having a having a hard time. As always, this comes from the most loving place: parents don't want to see their children in distress and will do whatever they can to relieve that discomfort.

It also comes from a misinterpretation of messages many of my families have absorbed on social media about the importance of accepting, validating, and being present when kids are distressed. This translates into parents believing they are harming their children—sending them the message that their feelings don't matter and they are alone—if they are not constantly by their side, repeating empathetic phrases to show they understand, or trying to get their child to talk about his feelings. This has become equated in their minds with abandoning their child in his time of need.

Just yesterday I talked to a mom who is very confused about how to best support her 5-year-old who is a very big reactor and has major meltdowns, especially when screen time is over. She calls it “Groundhog’s Day”: despite implementing the same plan day after day—their son chooses a show and they turn it off when it’s over, they don’t cave and stick to the limit—he has a huge tantrum every single time. She is doing everything “right”—she stays calm and validates his feelings—but at some point she needs to tend to her two other children (3 yo and a baby), and worries, based on what she has read, that it is harmful to her son to not be by his side for the entire duration of his meltdown.

We love our children so deeply and what we want most is for them to be happy. So when they share difficult or uncomfortable feelings, our typical knee-jerk reaction is to try to change their feelings by minimizing or talking them out of their emotions: "Don't say you're stupid! You are the smartest kid I know."

This impulse is so strong because at a cellular level, it feels like it’s harmful to our children to feel sad, angry, jealous, or insecure. They tell us they don't want to go to a new school so we jump in to explain all the ways it is going to be so much more awesome than their old school. They express worry about going to swim class so we quickly counter that there is nothing to be scared of. 

Or, we are uncomfortable with emotions that seem "mean" or "wrong".  "You don't really want the baby to go back to the hospital! You love your little brother." 

Whatever the trigger, we just want to make the uncomfortable feelings (for them and us) go away. We fear that acknowledging them amplifies them. But ignoring or minimizing feelings doesn’t make them magically disappear. In fact, without a healthy opportunity for expression, feelings get acted-out which can lead to more, not less stress for your child…and you. They say they have a belly ache and can’t go to school. They refuse to get in the pool at swim lessons.

Further, when children don't get their feelings validated, they up the ante to be heard. Five-year-old Remi announces that she thinks her drawing is ugly. Her mom replies: "But I love your drawing, it's beautiful!" Remi's response: "You don't know anything about art. This is a terrible picture", and proceeds to rip it to shreds. 

The major mindshift to make is that feelings are not harmful to children. Sadness and joy, anger and love, pride and self-doubt, jealousy and empathy can coexist and are all part of the complex collection of emotions that makes us human. Our job is not to rid or protect our children from their difficult emotions (which is actually not possible), it is to help them understand and effectively cope with ALL of their feelings. Shutting down the process is a missed opportunity to help children make sense of, not fear, their feelings. What kids need when they are distressed is precisely what we need in these moments: someone who listens, accepts our feelings, doesn't judge, and doesn't tell us what to do or try to make it all better. Someone who can sit with our uncomfortable feelings and trust that we have the capacity to work them through, with their support. 

When we avoid or minimize our children’s feelings, we interfere in this process. We send the message that we are uncomfortable with their difficult emotions and don't want to hear about them. This makes it less likely children will share their feelings with us, depriving them of a chance to express and work them through.

Consider the following story:

Our five-year-old, Gabriel, is a very bright, funny, charming little guy. But he still has a lot of tantrums, which we thought would be over by this age. He reacts very poorly to consequences. He will get very threatening and aggressive physically and verbally: slamming doors, hitting, and lashing out verbally. We are constantly negotiating with limit setting. When we hold to the limit, he will escalate and sometimes will have very intense tantrums that can last over 30 minutes. When he is happy, he is the most delightful child. But the second something doesn’t happen exactly how or when he wants it, he is explosive. We are totally exhausted.

Gabriel is also very sensitive and self-conscious. He is easily offended. He doesn’t like people focusing attention on him or looking at him. Every single performance he has participated in he turns his back away from the audience. He is also a perfectionist and will be very self-critical when he doesn’t do things perfectly.

Gabriel feels rejected easily. For example, the other day I was giving his little sister a piggyback ride down the stairs in the morning. He went under his covers and started screaming all sorts of inflammatory and threatening things. When I try to talk to him about these incidents, he covers his ears. If we try to ignore his inappropriate language, he will just escalate. He eventually calms down and feels badly about his behavior. When we process it once the explosion is over, he will say things like “I push people away, like Elsa (of Frozen).” Or, “My brain is so out of control…I don’t know why I stay so mad.”

Most parents who seek my services have a Gabriel (to varying degrees) in their family. Whether the motivation to make that first call to me is for a challenge with tantrums, aggressive behavior, power struggles, sleep, or potty training, the common denominator is that their child is highly sensitive (HS) by nature, also known as temperament.  

Temperament is a child’s way of approaching the world—the “why” that explains the meaning of his behavior. Temperament is something we are all born with, not something children choose or that parents create. It influences the way we process our experiences in the world. It is why some children jump right into new situations and others are anxious and need time to warm up to the unfamiliar. It is why some children go-with-the-flow and weather life’s ups and downs with ease and others have big reactions to seemingly minor events. It is also why siblings can be so different. They share DNA and grow up in the same family, but their reactions to the very same experiences—a move, a loss, their parents’ approach to discipline—may be vastly different based on their temperament.

The reason HS children tend to experience more challenges is because they are wired to register their feelings and experiences in the world more deeply than other children. Parents often describe their HS children as being either ecstatic or enraged—with no middle register. They are sometimes referred to as “orchids”[1] because they are affected by and reactive to even minor changes in their environment. They are more vulnerable than the kids we call “dandelions” who go with the flow and thrive even in challenging circumstances (and make their parents looks so good!)

Madison used to be a great sleeper. Over the past few weeks, as the coronavirus lockdown has persisted, bedtime has deteriorated. It started with Madison insisting that I stay with her until she falls asleep. Now she insists on sleeping in our bed all night. –Father of a four-year-old

Jackson had been fully potty trained and was a “big boy” in so many ways. Since his little brother was born, he has started to have a lot of accidents. He is demanding a bottle and wants to be carried 24/7. This is driving us crazy. We don’t need two babies in this household! —Mom of a three-year-old

Kids regressing—moving backwards in their development—is a common phenomenon. It is usually in reaction to a stressor: a move, a new baby in the family, a change in schools or caregivers, or…a global pandemic, to name a few. Any change or disruption in children’s daily routines is stressful.

When we, children and adults alike, experience shifts in our worlds (especially when they are unexpected or seismic, like COVID), our psychic energy gets diverted from higher level brain functions to just trying to cope day to day. (Few people I know would say they are at the top of their game right now. Just like many of us are having a harder time managing everyday tasks and challenges, so are our kids.) This can result in more challenging behaviors and regression to less mature levels of functioning. When a child’s system is stressed, she may get frustrated more easily, become more clingy, have more potty accidents, experience sleep disruption, or, have a change in her eating patterns. Keep in mind that highly sensitive (HS) children are more prone to regression as they are more vulnerable and reactive to changes in their world.

That’s not to say that all stress is harmful to kids. For example, starting preschool is a major shift. Most children go through a period of discomfort as they learn to adapt to this new experience—managing the separation from parents/caregivers, figuring out the rules of the classroom and how to get along with peers. This is positive stress because it leads to growth and the development of new skills. But during this adaptation process, some regression is to be expected. In the preschools where I consult, there are always some children who in the first month of school won’t eat snack or use the toilet, and may not do a lot of talking or interacting with their peers or teachers. Once they adapt, they feel comfortable and their stress is reduced, they have access to all of their skills—their full range of functioning—and thrive.

Also keep in mind that highly sensitive (HS) children are more prone to regression as they are more vulnerable and reactive to changes in their world.

RESPONDING TO REGRESSION: WHAT NOT TO DO

• Janelle starts reading a bedtime book to her three-year-old, Sam. One page in, he starts screaming that she isn’t reading the book the right way and insists that daddy (Brent) take over. This flip-flopping goes on for several more rounds until both Janelle and Brent are at their wits end and Sam wears himself out sobbing and falls asleep.

• Lucy (4) asks for toast for breakfast. Bernard, one of her dads, presents it to her; but, uh-oh, he has cut it on the diagonal when she wanted it halved down the middle! Lucy insists that he must make a new piece of toast. Bernard sighs heavily—they’ve been around this block before—and looks at his husband, Josh, with that “what to do?” hunch of the shoulders. They know Lucy is having a hard time these days with all the changes in her world. So, they decide they will ease her stress by meeting her demand. Josh pops another piece of bread into the toaster. When he hands it to her, Lucy announces that what she really wants is a scrambled egg. Josh gets visibly annoyed with Lucy—telling her to make up her mind. She starts to pout and tells Josh to stop yelling at her. Josh feels bad for losing it with her and proceeds to whip up an egg. Spoiler alert: Lucy proclaims that the egg is too yellow, and the crazy-making cycle continues.

When children feel out of control on the inside, they act out of control on the outside, which results in situations like those described above. And, those “orchids”—the kids who are more sensitive and reactive by nature—are even more likely to struggle during this time of major change.

How do you respond to children who are spiraling out of control and getting themselves into complete tizzies, driving themselves, and everyone around them, mad?

Claire Lerner, LCSW
Amelia, told that she can’t have a fifth book before bedtime, shouts: “You are the meanest mommy! You are not invited to my birthday party!” Derek, when offered a choice between carrots and cheese, not ice cream, before dinner announces: “I don’t like the choices you are choicing me!” Alex hurls a bowl of his favorite cereal off the table and screams, “I said the red bowl, not the blue bowl!” If any of these exclamations sounds familiar, you are not alone. Welcome to what can feel like the Wild West of toddlerhood.

But seen through the eyes of the child, and through the lens of development, these behaviors, while maddening, are utterly normal, and signal important milestones are being achieved. Further, these incidents don’t have to be dreaded, as they are opportunities to teach children to manage their emotions, learn to cope with frustration and disappointment, and find ways to feel in control of their ever-expanding worlds in prosocial, acceptable ways.

Getting clear on expectations is critical because the meaning we assign to a child’s behavior influences how we manage our own emotions and reactions to the behavior at hand. If we see the behavior as manipulative or purposely designed to drive us crazy, then we are much more likely to react in angry or harsh ways that escalate instead of calm our child. If, instead, we see these behaviors in the context of normal development, then we can approach our children with empathy and be more effective in teaching good coping skills.

Here are some important factors that influence young children’s behavior that are helpful to keep in mind when dealing with challenging behaviors:

Claire Lerner, LCSW-C

It is my privilege to work every day with the most loving, sensitive parents of young children who are struggling mightily with how to understand and respond most effectively to their children's challenging behaviors. Their stories are sometimes hilarious, like the feisty 3-year-old who, when told by her dad that the reason she couldn’t have the candy at the grocery store was because he didn't have enough money, responded that in that case he should just put back the eggs. But many are heartbreaking, like the myriad of parents who despair that the two precious waking hours they have with their child each night are spent in power struggles and negotiations: lots of aggravation and little joy.

While the path to solving the range of challenges parents face is different for each family, I have found that there are a number of pivotal parenting pitfalls that cause a lot of frustration and stress—for parents and kids. When we uncover them, it results in that “aha” moment for parents that leads to important insights and the ability to make the positive changes they are seeking.  Often, it’s a matter of re-framing the issue—seeing a behavior in a developmental context and through the eyes of their child—that helps parents tune in to the meaning of the behavior which enables them to move from anger and frustration to empathy.  

These insights guide me, too, as I continue to work towards being the best parent I can be to my children, now in their mid-20’s.  Truth be told, rarely a day goes by that I don’t feel the sting of regret at how much less anxious and reactive I might have been when my kids were growing up, how much calmer and less stressed I would have been, and how much more pleasure I would have experienced, had I been mindful of and practiced these principles myself. I wish I had understood that happy children aren't always happy; that while learning to deal with life’s frustrations and disappointments involves children feeling uncomfortable and unhappy at times, muscling through these challenges is what builds resilience and strong coping skills. So when parents ask me if it’s too late for their child—fearing they’ve already “ruined” him (even at the ripe age of 3)—I can tell them the good news: it’s never too late. 

Pitfalls to Positive Parenting

Claire Lerner LCSW

It wasn’t that long ago that the conventional wisdom was that babies were pretty much blobs who didn’t think or feel much before they could speak in words around age 2. The idea that a 6-month-old could feel fear or anger, no less sadness and grief, was preposterous. But thanks to an explosion in research on infancy in the last 30 years, we now know that babies and toddlers are deeply feeling beings. Starting in the earliest months of life, well before they can use words to express themselves, babies have the capacity to experience peaks of joy, excitement, and elation. They also feel fear, grief, sadness, hopelessness, and anger—emotions that many adults understandably still find it hard to believe, or accept, that very young children can experience. Research has also shown that children’s ability to effectively manage their full range of emotions, also known as self-regulation—is one of the most important factors for success in school, work, and relationships into the long-term.

So a critical first step in helping your child learn to cope with her feelings is not to fear the feelings, but embrace them—all of them. Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are. Sadness and joy, anger and love, can co-exist and are all part of the collection of emotions children experience. When you help your child understand her feelings, she is better equipped to manage them effectively.

One major obstacle in doing this that I see quite often in my work with parents is that they are operating under the false assumption that having a happy child means he needs to be happy all the time (something I still have to keep reminding myself despite the fact that my children are in their 20s!) Muscling through difficult experiences, mastering struggles, coping with sadness and grief, builds strength and resilience, and is ultimately what brings children a sense of contentedness and well-being.

What can parents do?