Understanding and Supporting Highly Sensitive Children (HSC)
Our five-year-old, Gabriel, is a very bright, funny, charming little guy. But he still has a lot of tantrums, which we thought would be over by this age. He reacts very poorly to consequences. He will get very threatening and aggressive physically and verbally: slamming doors, hitting, and lashing out verbally. We are constantly negotiating with limit setting. When we hold to the limit, he will escalate and sometimes will have very intense tantrums that can last over 30 minutes. When he is happy, he is the most delightful child. But the second something doesn’t happen exactly how or when he wants it, he is explosive. We are totally exhausted.
Gabriel is also very sensitive and self-conscious. He is easily offended. He doesn’t like people focusing attention on him or looking at him. Every single performance he has participated in he turns his back away from the audience. He is also a perfectionist and will be very self-critical when he doesn’t do things perfectly.
Gabriel feels rejected easily. For example, the other day I was giving his little sister a piggyback ride down the stairs in the morning. He went under his covers and started screaming all sorts of inflammatory and threatening things. When I try to talk to him about these incidents, he covers his ears. If we try to ignore his inappropriate language, he will just escalate. He eventually calms down and feels badly about his behavior. When we process it once the explosion is over, he will say things like “I push people away, like Elsa (of Frozen).” Or, “My brain is so out of control…I don’t know why I stay so mad.”
Most parents who seek my services have a Gabriel (to varying degrees) in their family. Whether the motivation to make that first call to me is for a challenge with tantrums, aggressive behavior, power struggles, sleep, or potty training, the common denominator is that their child is highly sensitive (HS) by nature, also known as temperament.
Temperament is a child’s way of approaching the world—the “why” that explains the meaning of his behavior. Temperament is something we are all born with, not something children choose or that parents create. It influences the way we process our experiences in the world. It is why some children jump right into new situations and others are anxious and need time to warm up to the unfamiliar. It is why some children go-with-the-flow and weather life’s ups and downs with ease and others have big reactions to seemingly minor events. It is also why siblings can be so different. They share DNA and grow up in the same family, but their reactions to the very same experiences—a move, a loss, their parents’ approach to discipline—may be vastly different based on their temperament.
The reason HS children tend to experience more challenges is because they are wired to register their feelings and experiences in the world more deeply than other children. Parents often describe their HS children as being either ecstatic or enraged—with no middle register. They are sometimes referred to as “orchids”[1] because they are affected by and reactive to even minor changes in their environment. They are more vulnerable than the kids we call “dandelions” who go with the flow and thrive even in challenging circumstances (and make their parents looks so good!)