Understanding and Supporting Highly Sensitive Children (HSC)
Our five-year-old, Gabriel, is a very bright, funny, charming little guy. But he still has a lot of tantrums, which we thought would be over by this age. He reacts very poorly to consequences. He will get very threatening and aggressive physically and verbally: slamming doors, hitting, and lashing out verbally. We are constantly negotiating with limit setting. When we hold to the limit, he will escalate and sometimes will have very intense tantrums that can last over 30 minutes. When he is happy, he is the most delightful child. But the second something doesn’t happen exactly how or when he wants it, he is explosive. We are totally exhausted.
Gabriel is also very sensitive and self-conscious. He is easily offended. He doesn’t like people focusing attention on him or looking at him. Every single performance he has participated in he turns his back away from the audience. He is also a perfectionist and will be very self-critical when he doesn’t do things perfectly.
Gabriel feels rejected easily. For example, the other day I was giving his little sister a piggyback ride down the stairs in the morning. He went under his covers and started screaming all sorts of inflammatory and threatening things. When I try to talk to him about these incidents, he covers his ears. If we try to ignore his inappropriate language, he will just escalate. He eventually calms down and feels badly about his behavior. When we process it once the explosion is over, he will say things like “I push people away, like Elsa (of Frozen).” Or, “My brain is so out of control…I don’t know why I stay so mad.”
Most parents who seek my services have a Gabriel (to varying degrees) in their family. Whether the motivation to make that first call to me is for a challenge with tantrums, aggressive behavior, power struggles, sleep, or potty training, the common denominator is that their child is highly sensitive (HS) by nature, also known as temperament.
Temperament is a child’s way of approaching the world—the “why” that explains the meaning of his behavior. Temperament is something we are all born with, not something children choose or that parents create. It influences the way we process our experiences in the world. It is why some children jump right into new situations and others are anxious and need time to warm up to the unfamiliar. It is why some children go-with-the-flow and weather life’s ups and downs with ease and others have big reactions to seemingly minor events. It is also why siblings can be so different. They share DNA and grow up in the same family, but their reactions to the very same experiences—a move, a loss, their parents’ approach to discipline—may be vastly different based on their temperament.
The reason HS children tend to experience more challenges is because they are wired to register their feelings and experiences in the world more deeply than other children. Parents often describe their HS children as being either ecstatic or enraged—with no middle register. They are sometimes referred to as “orchids”[1] because they are affected by and reactive to even minor changes in their environment. They are more vulnerable than the kids we call “dandelions” who go with the flow and thrive even in challenging circumstances (and make their parents looks so good!)
HS children are what I think of as “processors.” Their brains never turn off. They keenly focus on and analyze everything. It’s like they don’t have an internal filter to protect them from absorbing more than they can handle. Typical descriptions of HS kids include: “Henry has the superpower of tuning in to how other people feel before they even know it.” “Sasha picks up on everything. She notices the second the tone changes between me and Mitchell (my husband) and will try to intervene. She gets between us and commands: ‘Stop this right now! No more talking! Daddy you need to kiss mommy.’”
When my HS son, Sam, was four, I took him and three friends to see The Lion King (big mistake, in retrospect). At the end of the movie, Sam was sobbing while his buddies were totally chill. When I asked him what was wrong, all he could say was “but Simba, mommy, Simba” over and over. When we got home and talked about what was so distressing to him, it turned out that he had fixated on Simba feeling responsible for his father’s death. His deep sense of empathy for Simba was overwhelming for his four-year-old brain which had no way to logically process this complex information. It left him flooded with emotions he could not make sense of. His friends, on the other hand, were oblivious. They simply saw it as an action-adventure movie and were not burdened by the weight of the disturbing content that Sam had so intensely absorbed.
HS children also have an uncanny sense of self-awareness (far exceeding that of many adults!)
Charlie (5) told his dad: “Remember when I said that mean thing to you yesterday when I was mad? I was lying. I just wanted to make you feel bad, too.”
Bella (4) explained to her mom after an epic meltdown: “I just can’t make my brain calm down. I think we need to see the doctor.”
Reuben (3) told his parents during a discussion about the recent winter holidays: “I don’t like Santa. He keeps asking me if I’ve been naughty or nice. I can’t be good all the time—that’s impossible. I like Baby Jesus and Chanukah (I love how he anthropomorphizes the holiday!) They don’t ask me if I’m good.” This, from a person who has just been in and learning about the world for 48 months!
Not surprisingly, because of their sensitivity, HS children get triggered to experience stress more quickly. They get overwhelmed by their big emotions which makes them feel out of control. This naturally results in more meltdowns. It also results in children developing all sorts of coping mechanisms to try to gain control of a world that feels like too much to manage a lot of the time. This can lead to a range of challenges that, while not exclusive to HS children, occur more frequently and with greater intensity for them.
Here is a look at some of those challenges and how you can respond in ways that will help your HS child develop strong coping skills and resilience.
HS children get more easily overwhelmed by their emotions
Natalia reminds her daughter, Olivia (4), that her dad, Luis, is leaving in a few days to go away for the weekend. Olivia starts physically pushing her mom as she blurts out, “Don’t say that mommy!” She then turns to her dad and shouts at him: “Go away right now! It’s time for you to leave this house!”
Olivia's reaction is confounding to Natalia and Luis. Why would she be telling Luis to leave--early no less--when she is so distressed at the thought of being separated from him? Wouldn’t Olivia want to keep dad close? While seemingly irrational, looking at it from Olivia’s perspective, her rejection of Luis is a way to gain control of a situation that she has no control over. The old, “I’ll reject him before he rejects me” defense mechanism at work. Olivia is not being mean or hurtful on purpose. She is trying to cope with a stressful situation in the only way she knows how.
Olivia’s reaction upon Luis’ return from his trips away from home is also confusing when taken at face value: Olivia ghosts him. She is cold and refuses to engage with him for a full day or two. This, again, is a common reaction in HS children. It takes a lot of psychic energy to adapt to a separation from a loved one. When mom or dad returns, the child needs time to let that person back in and feel safe to reconnect.
What you can do:
Don’t interpret and react to your child’s behavior at face value. When children say hurtful things, it’s important not to take them literally. They are just expressing their sadness, frustration, anger or fear in the only way they know how. When you respond with anger or hurt, it is confusing to them because they don’t literally mean what they do or say. A big, emotional reaction only fuels your child’s distress.
Remain calm and try not to get reactive yourself. While I know this is easier said than done, when we get revved up it tends to increase children’s distress, leading to more out-of-control behavior. Young children are driven by emotions and are irrational by nature. When they lash out, it is their way of saying they are overwhelmed and are having a hard time coping. The more you react to their behavior, the more you reinforce it. When you remain calm, your child is likely to settle down more quickly. She needs you to be her rock when she is unraveling. Accordingly, Natalia holds Olivia in a bear hug--to prevent her from being able to use her body in a harmful way--as she whispers: "You don't like it when daddy goes away. You have really big feelings about that. We will help you cope.”
Acknowledge and validate the feelings that are driving your child’s behavior. Look for the underlying meaning and respond to that. Luis tells Olivia: “I know it’s hard when daddy goes away. I totally understand. I miss you, too, when I’m not with you.” Helping your HS child understand her emotions—the drivers of her behavior—is especially important. That is what ultimately reduces the need for her to act-out her feelings. When Luis returns from trips, he gives Olivia space. He lets her know how happy he is to see her and that he understands that she might need some time to reconnect—no problem. Daddy is here and can’t wait to hug her and play with her again. Luis picks up toys he knows Olivia loves and starts playing with them, wondering aloud about how they work: “Hmm, I forget where the button is to make this train go.” This loving and sensitive response results in Olivia moving closer to Luis and reconnecting with him more quickly.
HS children tend to be more fearful and cautious
Stephanie takes her five-year-old, Jonah, to swim class for the first time. He refuses to get off of her lap and go into the water. The teacher and the other kids are very encouraging, trying to get Jonah to join them. The more they try to woo him, the more uncomfortable Jonah becomes. He starts curling up into a ball and uses baby talk. When he gets home, his grandmother asks him about the class. He doesn’t respond and runs into his room. Stephanie has a strong sense that Jonah is feeling very ashamed about the whole experience. Her heart breaks for him.
When HS children enter a new situation—be it a classroom, a birthday party, or swim class—their wheels are turning. They wonder: What is this place? What will happen here? Who are these people? What can I expect from them? Will they like me? Will I be safe? Will I be good at whatever is expected of me here? This deep thinking and constant analysis of their environment makes HS children extremely bright and insightful. But it can also be overwhelming and make them more prone to anxiety. To cope, they fiercely cling to their comfort zone, which means they often resist anything new. They tend to have a harder time separating from their parents. It takes them longer to adapt when they start childcare or preschool. They refuse to go to soccer or swimming, even when they love these activities.
What you can do:
Avoid trying to get your child to change his feelings or behavior. Having a child who is slow-to-warm-up and hesitant to try new things may trigger your own anxiety—especially if you are more extroverted by nature and admire kids who are "go-getters." A common reaction is to get into gear using a range of tactics to get your child to change his behavior. You might offer rewards and engage in bribery to motivate your child to agree to participate in the activity: “We will take you for ice cream if you join the group.” You might act as a cheerleader to convince your child he can do it: “You’re great at soccer. You will love the class.” “The teachers in this school are so nice. And the room has so many amazing toys. You are going to have so much fun!” The problem is that when you try to minimize feelings or jump right to reassurance, your child’s emotions are discounted. This doesn’t make the feelings go away; they still need to be expressed in some way, which means they are more likely to get acted out. Reacting in this way also sends the message that you are uncomfortable with your child's feelings which makes him uncomfortable with his feelings. This makes it less likely he will have a chance to work through them. It can also erode his sense of safety in sharing his emotions and experiences with you.
These tactics can also backfire because trying to cajole kids to participate when they are feeling anxious makes them feel worse. It amplifies the shame they are already experiencing about not being able to do the activity other kids are enjoying. HS kids also tend to be self-conscious. Having attention focused on them, especially when they feel they are being evaluated or judged, can be uncomfortable and exacerbate their stress. (More on self-consciousness in a future installment in this series.)
Also keep in mind that HS children are very sensitive to the underlying motives of their parents. They see right through you. They are keenly tuned in to what you want from them—what will make you happy. Looking at it through the lens of logic, you might think that your child would be motivated by wanting to please you and would change his behavior accordingly. Instead, what I find is that the pressure HS children experiences when they sense how invested you are in their performance is stifling, not motivating. They have to cope with the risk of disappointing you. It becomes a relationship issue that is fraught with tension. This makes it less likely your child will feel confident to take a risk and tackle a new challenge.Show your child that you understand and accept his emotions; that you aren’t judging them as right or wrong, good or bad. “I know you are hesitant to join the swim class. And at the same time, you love swimming. Let’s think about how to help you feel comfortable in the group.”
Practice and prepare in advance. Go to the pool before class and let your child explore it before joining the group. Kick a soccer ball around in the backyard. Visit a new school multiple times before the first day of classes. Play on the playground and meet the teacher. Having a chance to preview and prepare can make your child feel more in control and competent once he joins the group.
Ask your child what would help him feel more comfortable engaging in the activity. Ruth and Ethan are the parents of Owen, a fearful and cautious three year old. Owen is wild about Daniel Tiger, so they bought tickets to see the live show. While Owen was ecstatic in theory, on the way to the event he was getting increasingly anxious, asking all sorts of questions about what would happen at the show. By the time they arrived, Ruth and Ethan didn’t know if Owen would make it. They were prepared for him to insist they turn around, which has been known to happen in these situations. Then a lightbulb went off in Ruth’s head: she got down on Owen’s eye level and asked what would make him feel better. He said he wanted to know exactly how the show would start—what would be the very first thing that happened. Ruth located someone from the production who explained to Owen, play-by-play, how the show would open. With this information, Leo became calm and proceeded to fully enjoy the show. (Ethan, who recounted this story to me, described this move on his wife’s part as no less monumental than splitting the atom.)
Talk to your child about his “worry” versus his “thinking” brain. Explain that there are different parts of our brains. We all have a “worry” brain that thinks about things that could go wrong or that might be scary. We also have a “thinking” part of our brain that knows what's real and what's not and lets our worry brains know that we can handle and master those fears.
Stephanie used this strategy with Jonah. Jonah said his worry brain was telling him that he might sink and that the teacher would get mad at him if he couldn’t do everything right. They decided that at the next class, Jonah’s job would be to do some research. (He loved this idea.) He would watch the class and see what his thinking brain could tell his worry brain about his fears. His thinking brain was able to tell his worry brain that the children always have something secure to hold onto, that the teacher provides support when they are trying a new skill, and she never gets mad at the kids. She’s a kind helper. Engaging in this process had multiple benefits. It provided a positive focus for Jonah's attention when they arrived at the class and it visibly reduced his anxiety. At that point, Stephanie asked if he wanted to get into the pool with her. He did, with one caveat: “You need to tell them (the other kids and teacher) not to look at me or talk to me.” (There’s that self-consciousness at play. Stephanie did talk to the teacher about this. She fully understood and obliged as much as she could.) After about five minutes of supporting Jonah in the pool, Stephanie said she was going to jump out and just be a watcher, which Jacob accepted. He enjoyed the rest of the class and by the end of the session he had become an eager swimmer.
Guiding children to look at their fears through this lens of the worry versus thinking brain makes it feel less personal. It opens children up to look more objectively at the situation. This enables them to make sense of and feel more in control of their complex feelings—they become more manageable.Engage your child’s “thinking brain” to recall times when he was anxious about a situation that he muscled through successfully. For example, starting a new school, moving to a new home, or enjoying a group activity he had initially been fearful of joining. When Jonah gets anxious in the face of new challenges, Stephanie is sure to remind him that he has been around this block before. She recounts the story of the swim class; how fearful he was at the beginning and how he was able to tackle his fears. She emphasizes the result—that he now loves swimming, something he may have missed out on if he hadn’t relied on his thinking brain to help him work through his fear.
It can also be helpful for you to share a time when you were anxious about trying something new and how persevering through it led to a positive outcome. Children love to hear your stories.
HS children can be particularly inflexible
Flexibility is one of the most important assets for functioning well in this world. It is an essential ingredient for adapting to the countless events in life that we can’t predict or control. It also helps us work effectively in groups and develop healthy relationships because it enables us to take into consideration the perspectives and needs of others.
It’s important to keep in mind that learning to be flexible is harder for some children than others, largely due to their temperament. Go-with-the-flow kids, those "dandelions"* who are more adaptable by nature, are naturally more flexible. "Orchids"*--who are wired to be more sensitive—tend to be more inflexible. They often have intense responses to seemingly minor stressors, as illustrated by these typical examples:
Henry threw a huge fit because I picked him up from childcare instead of Grandma, who usually gets him at the end of the day. He kept shouting, “NO! Nana gets me!” He refused to get in the car and insisted I go home and get my mother to come instead
Chelsea refused to take a bath because I turned on the water when she wanted to do it herself.
Alexa hurled a cereal bowl across the room because I put the Cheerios in the blue bowl, not her favorite red bowl.
Luca refused to get dressed so I went downstairs with his baby sister. He started shouting that I had to come back up because he is the line leader and we are not allowed to go downstairs unless he is in front.
Flexibility can be even more challenging for children who have low sensory thresholds, meaning they are over-responsive to sensory input. Consider the child who feels very uncomfortable when other kids get too close to him and invade his space. For this child, the world can feel overwhelming as he is constantly bombarded by uncomfortable sensations. This naturally makes him feel more out of control than a child whose sensory system is better regulated and who is able to tolerate more input from the outside world. (I will address this phenomenon--that HS children often are over-responsive to sensory input--in a future installment in this series. You can also check out this blog to learn more about the impact of sensory processing on behavior.)
Because HS children register their feelings and experiences in the world so deeply, they live in a state of high-alert to prepare for and protect themselves from whatever big emotion or event they may be exposed to next that may feel overwhelming or uncomfortable. To cope, they come up with fixed ideas and expectations about how things should be to make daily life more manageable. This makes them inflexible—unable to accept an alternative way of doing things. Dictating where people will sit, how loud the music can be, what color bowl their cereal should come in, what clothes they will and will not wear, or how close the chicken can be to the carrots on their dinner plate—seemingly irrational demands—are all coping mechanisms HS children use to control an environment that otherwise feels out of control. The more out of control these kids feel on the inside, the more controlling they become on the outside.
How to help your child become more flexible:
Validate your child's emotions and experiences. Remember, feelings are never the problem—it's what kids do with their feelings that can become problematic.The more you acknowledge the emotions that are driving your child's behavior, the better equipped she is to manage them in more effective ways: "You are upset because you thought Grandma was going to pick you up. I totally get that—you don't like it when something different happens from what you expected."
Set the limit calmly and lovingly. "But Grandma went to the doctor and the appointment took longer than expected. So, I am here to get you." Then, as calmly as you can, move along to show your child that you are not going to engage in a long back-and-forth about this or react to her protestations, as that only fans the flames and reinforces the inflexibility. Ignore her attempts to draw you into a struggle but don't ignore her. Even as she is kicking and screaming while you buckle her into the car seat, you might start telling a funny story, put on music she likes, or talk about what you might play together when you get home, to show that you are available to engage in positive ways but will not keep a negative dynamic going.
Teach perspective-taking. When you set limits appropriately, and don't give in to your child's unreasonable demands, you are helping your child see the world from other people's point of view and take into account their needs and feelings. For example: “Teddy, I know you want me to read this book right now, but Joey is uncomfortable and needs a diaper change. I’ll read to you when he’s all set.” Then ignore his antics, change the baby's diaper and re-engage Teddy when you're done. Let him know he did a great job waiting (even if he screamed the whole time) and that now you can read the book. The idea is to focus on the fact that he survived the waiting—the outcome you want to reinforce—and not to pay attention to the behaviors designed to derail you and get you to adapt to his demands. Another example: "I know you want to wear the Batman cape. It's your favorite. But Sumi also wants a turn. We can use a timer to help you share.You can either choose another cape to wear when it's Sumi's turn, or you can wait until it's your turn. That's your choice. But we are going to give her a turn because that's fair."
Model flexibility. Highlight ways you are being flexible in your everyday experiences. “I can’t find my favorite hat. I guess I’ll have to be flexible and wear this one instead.” “This restaurant isn’t open. We’ll have to be flexible and choose a different place to eat.” “We were going to go to the park this afternoon, but I see you have some energy to burn so I am going to be flexible and take you this morning.”
Acknowledge and give a lot of positive feedback when your child is being flexible. "You gave Henry the tunnel he wanted for his train and took the bridge instead. You did a great job being flexible!” “You really wanted to go on the swing, but they were all taken, so you played in the sandbox instead. Great job being flexible!” "You wanted to turn on the water for the bath but mommy had already done it. You were disappointed but you were able to calm yourself and have a fun tub-time. And then you got to be the one who turned the water off. Being flexible is awesome!"
Point out the benefits to your child of being flexible. Here are some recent examples from families I work with:
Paloma loves active play, so her parents signed her up for a soccer program. But when they arrived for the first session, she refused to participate because she wanted to have control of the ball the entire time instead of taking turns. She insisted on quitting the program. But her dad, Richard, told her that they had committed to the class and so they would keep going. He acknowledged that he would not and could not force her to participate. It is her body and only she can decide what to do with it. So, her choices would be to sit on the sidelines and watch, or to join the group. By the second class, Paloma started to inch her way toward the group and by the third class, she was starting to participate. By the fifth class she was all-in and loving it. Richard gave her lots of kudos for taking a risk and pointed out to her how if she hadn’t been flexible, she never would have known how much she loved soccer and playing it with her friends. Now, when Paloma is digging in her heels, Richard helps her recall the soccer experience to remind her of her ability to be flexible and the benefits of accepting alternative options.
Matteo insists his parents place his five blankets on him in exactly the order and way he prescribes every night. Shockingly, he gets up minutes after they say “goodnight” to tell them he needs water, or another kiss, or any host of obfuscations to avoid going to bed. The blankets naturally get all messed up and the ritual starts all over again, with Matteo’s parents having to arrange them according to his specifications. After I thought this scenario through with mom and dad, we agreed that this process was reinforcing Matteo’s rigidity which was not good for him. So, his parents made a rule that they would put the blankets on one time. If he chose to get up after lights-out, he would need to get the blankets back on by himself. They had him practice how to do this—to empower him. The first few nights were difficult. But once Matteo saw the plan was firm, he often chose to stay in bed. If he did get up, he got comfortable arranging the blankets himself. This helped him see that he could survive having the blankets positioned on his body in ways that were not exactly as he was used to. This increased his ability to be flexible and nurtured his resilience.
HS children tend to have a lower tolerance for frustration
Seema (4) just got a new scooter which she has wanted for a very long time. She hops on it, but as soon as she has trouble balancing, she tosses it to the ground. She pronounces that she hates scooters, that she really never wanted one, and runs inside.
HS children tend to experience more distress and give up more easily when they confront a challenging task or can’t master a new skill right away. The root cause, once again, is the vulnerability and loss of control that gets triggered very quickly in these kids. HS children need more support to build resilience—to feel competent to muscle through challenges.
What you can do:
Avoid solving your child’s problems—aka, learn to get comfortable with your child’s discomfort. It’s a natural, human reaction not to want to see your child struggle. Your knee-jerk response may be to rescue or “fix” whatever is causing your child distress, especially when your HS child is acting as if it’s a five-alarm fire. But the fact is that learning a new skill involves feeling uncomfortable to some degree or another until we have mastered it. Struggling is not bad or harmful to kids, it is part of the learning process. The distress they experience as they work through a challenge is what we call “positive” stress because it leads to growth. Picture your child working on riding a bicycle. If you never let up on your hold—doing the balancing for her—your child doesn’t experience the teetering that can feel a little scary and uncomfortable; but that’s what leads her to figure out how to eventually maintain her balance and experience the incredible sense of pride when she can cruise around on her own.
When you run to the rescue, you are unintentionally sending the message that you don’t think your child is capable of mastering the challenges she faces, and that only adults can solve her problems. It also teaches her that failure is something to be feared or ashamed of, when in fact it is a critical component of the learning process. While it is no doubt easier to swoop in as the fixer, acting as a supportive coach instead will build your child’s self-confidence and help her feel competent to work through life’s challenges.
Position yourself as your child’s problem-solving partner. Let your child know that you have confidence in her ability to learn to solve the problems she encounters; that she can do hard things. You will always help her think through the challenges she faces and help her come up with solutions. But you won’t solve her problems for her, because that is her job. In this vein, Seema’s parents acknowledge her frustration and let her know that when she is ready to try again, they are happy to help her work on it. They refrain from cajoling and pushing her to keep trying when they see that this is not helping and only getting her more agitated.
Help your child think through creative ways to solve the problem. Start by asking your child for her ideas about what might be some solutions. Before offering your own input, be sure to ask your child if she would like to hear some of your ideas for solving the problem. Recently, at a preschool where I consult, a child fell apart because it wasn't his turn to be the snack helper. I suggested other jobs he could do instead. This only led to his getting more revved-up and responding: "No, no, no--don't tell me that!" I pivoted and tried: "I have some ideas about how you might solve this problem. Do you want to hear them?" He quickly calmed down and was all ears. This seemingly minor nuance can make a big difference. Offering unsolicited guidance, especially when a child is in a stressed state, can feel intrusive and intensify your child’s distress. Asking for permission to provide input shows respect for your child’s boundaries and makes it more likely that he will actually absorb the ideas you are sharing.
Provide the support your child needs to master the challenge. Don’t do something for her that she is able to do on her own. When Seema says she is ready to try the scooter again, her dad, Kishan, asks her what kind of help she’d like. Seema says she wants him to hold onto the handlebars while she just stands on the scooter without it moving. Once she feels comfortable with the scooter stationary, they agree that the next step should be Kishan pulling her on the scooter along the driveway, as he continues to hold the handlebars. Then Seema says she wants to push on her own while dad is still holding on. Taking this incremental approach, with Kishan slowly pulling back on his support, Seema is scootering on her own masterfully by the end of the day.
Another recent example: three-year-old Malcolm is dead set on pouring his own milk, but it keeps spilling and Malcolm is getting frustrated. His dad, Roger, knows Malcolm is able and ready to master pouring, but not from a large, bulky milk carton. So instead of just taking over and pouring the milk himself, Roger acknowledges Malcolm's frustration and cheerily announces, "We can solve that problem!" Roger gets out a sport bottle, fills it with milk and hands it to Malcolm who happily fills his own cup.
HS children can be perfectionists
Gabriel (6) and I were working on writing letters together. When he couldn’t make his “O” look exactly like mine, he had a total meltdown. The more I tried to tell him what a good job he was doing, the more agitated he became.
When Serena (5) messes something up, her reaction is very disproportionate and she is incredibly hard on herself - saying she will never draw again, tearing up the paper, crying, hitting herself on the head, throwing herself on the floor. We try to model losing/not being perfect and taking it in stride - we emphasize that, but it doesn't seem to help.
Highly sensitive (HS) children have a tendency to be perfectionists. When they can’t do something exactly as their brain is telling them it should be, they experience it as a loss of control which is very uncomfortable and hard to tolerate. Hence, the meltdowns. This can be very frustrating for parents who see the irrationality in their children’s thinking but find that using logic to help them be more self-accepting backfires.
What you can do:
Avoid cheerleading and rushing to problem-solve. "That is a great 'O'!" "But I love your drawing!" "Nobody's perfect. Just try again." These are some of our most common, reflexive responses in these moments. Perfectionist behavior worries us because we see how paralyzing it is to our kids and we want to talk them out of it--to change their feelings and behavior. The problem is that when children break down in the face of their perceived failure, they are in a highly emotional, irrational state, so trying to use reason or logic to convince your child to snap out of it or change his mind is rarely useful and can backfire--increasing your child's agitation. HS kids also have super-human radar for sensing when others are trying to control them which leads to defensiveness and digging their heels in more vehemently. And, perhaps most importantly, when you jump to reassure, you invalidate your child's experience--as irrational as his reaction may seem. You can't take away your child's feelings. Your job is to help him look at and make sense of them. That process can only take place once your child is calm and can think clearly. .When children flip their lids and are in "red zone", their brains are flooded with emotion. There is no room to process any information or ideas you want to share and they are not open to problem-solving. So instead, start by...
Acknowledging your child’s feelings. Mirror your child's feelings back to him. That is what soothes his agitated nervous system and helps him get back to a calmer state: "You don’t like the way the letter you wrote looks. You have a different idea about how it should appear. It feels really uncomfortable and distressing to you when you can’t do something exactly the way you expect or want it to be. I understand.” Helping your child gain insight into what makes him tick—developing this self-awareness— is what makes it possible for him to ultimately rethink his perspective and self-assessment
Help your child “reality test.” When your child is out of red zone and calm, let him know you have some ideas about other ways to think about the situation and ask if he'd like to hear them. (This seemingly minor step of asking for permission versus launching in to share your ideas--which can feel intrusive and overwhelming to HS kids--can have a major, positive impact. It makes them feel more in control and open to your input.) When your child shows he's ready to hear what you have to say, share your perspective: “Daddy has been working on his handwriting for over 30 years. That’s 29 more years of practice than you have had since you just started to learn to write last year. I had to work really hard to get good at making letters. Learning anything new means making a lot of mistakes. You have to keep trying until we get good at something. And even then we still make mistakes!" Give examples from your own experience.
Guide your child to think through the outcome of his choices. Think of it as a debrief--a non-judgmental review of the situation. Ask what he thinks will happen if he gives up. What about if he gives it another try? What does he think will help him reach his goal to master whatever skill he is working on? Avoid the temptation to try to make him change his behavior by cajoling, bribing/rewarding or shaming (“Big boys ride two-wheelers”; “You’ll never succeed if you don’t keep trying”.) This just gives children fodder to become more defensive.
Ask your child how he would like to proceed. “Would you like to keep practicing or do you want to take a break? It's up to you." This sends the message that the control is in his hands which makes it more likely he will persevere, at some point. Forcing the issue often leads to kids becoming defensive and digging in their heels further.
HS Children Have a Higher Intolerance for Losing
Leo is the worst sore loser. We can't play any family games because he goes nuts if he doesn't win. Even though he's great at soccer and makes a lot of goals, the second someone blocks one of his attempts to get the ball into the net he starts screaming that it's unfair and storms off the field. It's embarrassing and I worry about how other kids see him and if they are going to want to stop playing with him.
Being a perfectionist and having a very low tolerance for losing go hand-in-hand and makes competitive activities especially stressful for kids who struggle with these issues. To cope and protect themselves from the discomfort and shame that gets triggered when they lose, highly sensitive (HS) kids try to manipulate the game to win (aka "cheat") or they get angry and quit. In a time long ago, before COVID, I was playing Connect Four with five-year-old Lucy on a home visit. She made the first move. When it was my turn, I dropped my piece into the slot next to hers—the obvious move. Lucy immediately got revved up and explained, “No, Ms. Claire, I tell you where you can put your pieces.”
What you can do:
Acknowledge and accept your child's feelings. It is very important not to miss this first step of validation. “Losing feels really hard. It makes you very upset and angry and you want to stop playing.” You have to start where your child is at if you want to open her up to rethinking her reaction.
Reality test. At the same time, explain that losing is a part of life. It happens to everyone, and you can help her learn to cope in these moments so that she can enjoy a whole range of activities and not feel the need to quit.
Tell the story of what happened. Recount the experience matter-of-factly, without judgment. This helps children look at these situations more objectively. "You kicked the ball. Ellie blocked it from going into the goal. That was frustrating and upsetting to you. You wanted to make a goal so badly. Your feelings were so big and overwhelming that you decided not to play anymore."
Help your child think through the natural outcome of her choices. If you're like most parents, because you love your child so much and worry about the negative consequences of her being a sore loser, your knee-jerk reaction might be to start schooling her on the negative outcome of her reactions: "No one is going to want to play with you." "You'll never get better at soccer if you keep quitting." But these kinds of responses are likely to increase your child's feelings of shame and result in a defensive posture that doesn't help your child work through her feelings. Instead, after recounting the story of what happened, ask questions that get her wheels turning, such as: "After you quit the game, what happened? How did you feel? What do you think the other kids were thinking? Is there a different way you would have liked it to end? How could you make that happen?" Approaching it this way—seeking to understand without criticism or judgment—provides an opportunity for your child to make connections between her actions and their outcomes. In my encounter with Lucy, I responded: “Hmm…It’s not really fun for me to play the game if I can’t make my own choices. So let me know whether you are okay with us each being in charge of what we do when it’s our turn, or we can choose something else to play. Why don't you take a minute to think about what you'd like to do.” Being able to look at the natural consequences of her actions without feeling shamed or judged, Lucy decided to keep playing and let me decide where to put my discs. (But she couldn't resist asking me at every move whether I really wanted to choose that space!)
Related to this constellation of behaviors is the tendency for HS children to also tease others when they fail. They might laugh at a peer who misses the ball thrown to him or who gives the wrong answer to a question at school. When they see peers struggling, it triggers their own feelings of vulnerability. Projecting these feelings onto others is a way to cope with difficult emotions that are hard to tolerate. While your knee-jerk reaction may be to come down hard on your child for being unkind, that can backfire. The shame children experience when being reprimanded shuts them down. They become very defensive. This doesn’t lead to any learning or positive change. I find that the most effective way to respond when your child makes fun of others is to help him think through the encounter without any criticism or judgment: “Malcolm missed the goal. How do you think that made him feel?” “What’s it like for you when you make a mistake or don’t do something perfectly?” “How do you think Malcolm felt when you made fun of his missing the goal?” This opens children up to reflect on their actions which makes it much more likely they will ultimately change their mindset and thus their behavior.
HS children tend to be more self-conscious
Talia (4) hates when we talk about her, even if we are praising her, like telling her what a good job she has done or describing one of her accomplishments to her grandpa. She will shout at us to stop talking.
Gabriel is very sensitive and self-conscious. He doesn’t like people focusing attention on him or looking at him. He refuses to participate in any school performances.
HS children have a tendency to become preoccupied with how other’s see them. Recall Jonah whom you met in a previous installment in this series on children who are fearful and cautious. He was the little guy who was apprehensive about joining the swim class and didn't want the other kids or teacher to look at him. Like Jonah, HS kids get very uncomfortable when any attention is called to them, even when parents or other adults are saying complimentary things. They are sensitive to feeling scrutinized or assessed. That’s why they are particularly uncomfortable with praise—as counterintuitive as that may seem. They know this means they are being evaluated and feel that pressure.
Further, when you shower your child with praise because, for example, she made a goal in soccer, next week when she doesn't score points she worries that this must be a disappointment to you. That is a heavy burden for children. When they feel that their performance is being judged, it can be paralyzing, not motivating.
What you can do:
Avoid praise. Instead, of "We're so proud of you!", which makes it about pleasing you, focus on how your child's efforts impact him. “You stayed focused on the ball and used your strong muscles to kick it into the goal.” Or, “You worked really hard on balancing on your scooter. It felt uncomfortable to wobble but you kept at it. Now you are riding on your own. Looks like you are really enjoying that.”
Respect your child’s boundaries and wishes. When it came time for Gabriel’s most recent school performance, his parents could see he was torn. He wanted to sing with the group—he loves singing—but he still felt very anxious. As they brainstormed what might make him feel more comfortable, he came up with the idea of standing on the very end of a row and facing away from the audience. That is what he chose to do and he ended up feeling really good about it.
HS children tend to feel more easily slighted.
Leo (4) is very keen on his classmate, Nadia and only wants to play with her. When Nadia allows other kids to join their pretend play, Leo starts to pout and complains to his teacher that Nadia is not being kind.
HS children tend to take things more personally. They are also inclined to misinterpret other’s actions. They filter their experiences through a victim mindset, as if they are primed and sometimes on a hair trigger to be hurt in some way. This can make peer and sibling interactions challenging.
What you can do:
Avoid trying to talk your child out of his feelings or making it all better. "Oh no, Nadia loves you! She just wants to play with other kids too." While your motivation is to make your child feel better and to correct a misinterpretation, it doesn't make the feelings go away and doesn't help your child learn to look at his feelings and reconsider his reactions--the ultimate goal. It also sends the message that you are uncomfortable with his feelings which can lead to his holding back from sharing his experiences with you. Instead...
Validate your child’s feelings. Start where your child is at; reflect and connect with his experience no matter how irrational or distressing it might be to you. Validating is not the same as agreeing. It is acknowledging your child’s perspective. “You don't like when Nadia plays with other children. You're worried that it means you aren't such strong friends and it feels like she is rejecting you. I understand. You like it best when you have her all to yourself."
Reality test. Once you have acknowledged and accepted your child's feelings and perspective, he is likely to be more open to seeing the situation from an alternative perspective. “I know you prefer to just stick with one friend, and you want that to be Nadia. But some kids want to have more than one friend. Everyone is different. While I know you feel rejected when Nadia is playing with other kids, that is not what it means to Nadia. I see her still wanting to play with you. What do you think about that idea?"
Help your child problem-solve. “Would you like to find another friend to play with or do something on your own? Let me know how I can help.”
HS children are very uncomfortable when being “corrected”
This morning I very calmly and gently explained to Martin that when he places a cup down on our glass coffee table, he needs to be gentle. His response: “It’s not fragile! DON'T EVER SAY THAT TO ME AGAIN! Do you understand? DO YOU UNDERSTAND? This reaction is not atypical—he explodes like this on a regular basis, whenever we need to correct him or set a limit, or when he can’t do something perfectly right away. When we try to reason with him, he shuts down. He’ll often just cover his ears or run away. We are at a loss as to why he is so hyper-sensitive and how we are supposed to set limits with him.
Children laughing, refusing to make eye contact, running away, covering their ears and engaging in other evasive behaviors when you are trying to talk to them about their behavior is a phenomenon that is understandably confusing and disturbing. If you are like many parents I work with, you may be both mortified and worried, wondering how you could be raising a child who does not appear to feel bad about hurting others, or worse, who gains pleasure from it. Herein lies one of the most challenging aspects of childrearing: we adults tend to interpret children’s behavior through the lens of logic. A child laughing or acting as if he doesn’t care when he has done or said something hurtful means he has no empathy (and may be a budding sociopath, worry some parents). But we cannot ascribe adult logic to children’s behavior. While their actions may seem irrational and disturbing at face value, when you look at it from the child’s perspective, their behavior often makes sense.
These evasive responses don't mean that your child lacks empathy or feelings. Highly sensitive (HS) children experience corrections or even directions as personal indictments, not as objective rules you are setting. This triggers them to feel shame. Laughing, turning or running away, and covering their ears are all coping mechanisms, albeit socially unacceptable ones, that provide protection and relief from a flood of difficult emotions. They may fall apart or lash out when being given a seemingly benign suggestion, such as guidance about how to hold scissors correctly or how to balance on a scooter—to stop you from saying things that make them uncomfortable. And facing your anger or disappointment about their behavior can be very overwhelming for HS children. They engage in all sorts of evasion to distract from the stress and discomfort of these encounters. They are just trying to cope with feelings they are having a hard time understanding and managing.
Because this behavior is so triggering, you may be prone to react harshly and punitively in these moments—blurting out shaming responses along the lines of, “What is wrong with you? Do you think hurting your friends is funny?” The problem is that these kinds of reactions amplify your child's feelings of shame and sends her further spiraling out of control. When children's brains are flooded with emotion, they can't think clearly, so no amount of correcting can be effective in that moment.
Instead, consider the following strategies that are not just sensitive but often much more effective in helping HS children ultimately reflect on and learn to take responsibility for their actions.
What you can do:
If your child laughs, sticks out his tongue or covers his ears, ignore it. Telling him to stop or asking him why he is doing this only reinforces these responses. Plus, kids don’t know why they are reacting in this way. If your child is turning away, don't try to force him to make eye contact. You can't actually make him look you in the eye, so this can turn into a power struggle and divert attention away from the incident at hand. Hold him securely and lovingly and say something along these lines: “I know, you don’t like when mommy/daddy needs to help you think about your behavior.”
Discuss the incident when your child is calm. Our natural impulse as adults is to use logic to teach our kids a lesson in these maddening moments. But when children are overwhelmed emotionally, they don’t have access to the part of the brain that enables them to think and reason. Wait until your child has calmed down to engage in any reflecting and teaching.
Retell the story: “Mommy asked you to be gentle when you put your cup down on the glass table because it is fragile and can break. I meant this to be helpful — just like when your teachers give you a direction at school — but you got very upset.” Pause to allow your child to respond. You might ask if he thought you were angry or were criticizing him. Explain that sometimes people hear things in a way that the other person doesn’t mean. Or, “You were mad that Maisie wouldn’t give you the magna tile you wanted. You were frustrated and knocked her structure down. You lost control. It feels hard to think and talk about it. I understand that feeling.” Recounting the incident matter-of-factly without judgment or shaming reduces defensiveness, making it more likely your child will feel safe to look at his feelings and reactions—the critical first step to his ultimately being able to take responsibility for his behavior and make positive changes.
What about making kids say “sorry”? I am not a fan of trying to force kids to do this for several reasons: 1) It falls into the category of things you cannot actually make your child do, so it can lead to a protracted power struggle when your child resists saying a mea culpa; and, 2) Children often comply with the adult's direction to say "sorry" but it is devoid of meaning. Instead, once the incident is over, talk with your child about how his actions affect others—without shaming or judgment—to limit the chance he will shut down. Explain that being unkind with his words or actions is not just hurtful to the other child, it's not good for him because it makes others have negative or uncomfortable feelings about him. That's why you are going to help him find other ways to express his feelings. (When we just focus on the aggrieved child it can lead to more defensiveness and shutting down.) Then give him choices: he can say "sorry," he can take action to make it better—for example by helping to rebuild the tower that he knocked down; he can offer a comforting gesture; or, he can dictate a note or draw a picture to give to the child. Choices reduce defiance.
Approaching these incidents calmly and dispassionately, without shaming and indicting the child, makes it less likely that she will rely on avoidance and evasion and more likely that she will learn to express her emotions in acceptable ways. After all, that is the ultimate goal.
HS children are often also more sensitive to sensory input which can increase their reactivity
I always thought Samantha was just more ‘intense’ than other children. Her reactions to nearly everything were incredibly strong. She threw massive tantrums at least multiple times a day over things such as having to sit in her car seat or accidentally getting water in her eyes during bath time. People would tell me tantrums were “normal,” but I felt it wasn’t normal to be having such intense tantrums so many times each day. She was incredibly impulsive. She also seemed to both seek physical input (for example, by climbing on others) while also protesting intensely any physical touch that she didn’t like (for example, an adult restraining her from an unsafe situation). She would melt down if someone else did something she wanted to do like flush the toilet, push a button, or turn on the faucet to wash hands, and she often didn’t “recover” for several minutes, even an hour at times. She also had a hard time listening to and following directions, so things like getting her dressed were often very difficult. I felt completely overwhelmed and lost.
I have found in my work that children who are highly sensitive from an emotional standpoint are also likely to be more sensitive to sensory input—to some degree. They experience sights, sounds, tastes, smells and/or textures more intensely. They may become afraid of public bathrooms because the flusher is too jarring and loud. They may reject foods that have strong tastes and smells. They may find bright lights uncomfortable.
These children feel bombarded with sensations they can't manage effectively which can amplify their emotional reactions and inflexibility. For example, Radha, who gets very upset when she comes into contact with any substance, like sand or paint, or when her clothes get a little wet. To protect herself from these uncomfortable sensations she avoids all art activities. Or, Marcello, who throws huge fits every morning if his favorite, comfy sweatpants aren’t available. He won’t go near a pair of buttoned or zippered pants. Children whose sensory systems are reactive in these ways are triggered to feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed by the world more easily. This means they melt down more frequently and intensely.
Children whose sensory systems are not registering sensations accurately may have trouble adapting to experiences with varied or more intense stimulation, such as: school/childcare, group classes, large family gatherings and birthday parties. These situations can be very uncomfortable, sending them into a higher state of reactivity. They feel more on edge and vulnerable. A child I recently worked with began refusing to go to birthday parties because the inevitable, sudden, loud outburst of the “Happy birthday!” song was so overwhelming to him. He also started to fear candles because of the association he had made with these uncomfortable situations.
Children with well-functioning sensory processing systems are able to be more adaptable and flexible, unhampered as they are by the range of sensations they experience. While the first few days at preschool may feel overwhelming, for example, their brains quickly adapt to all the sounds, the high activity-level, the frequent transitions and they are able to thrive in the program.
In addition to being less flexible, children whose sensory processing systems aren’t working effectively tend to be more controlling than children who are not struggling with this challenge. It doesn’t take much for them to reach their threshold and feel overwhelmed by the world around them. And, when children feel out of control on the inside, they tend to become controlling on the outside in an effort to cope—to minimize their discomfort. Typical behaviors include: telling other people what they can and can’t do; where they can sit; who they can talk to; and, how loud their voices can be. They may have massive meltdowns when something unexpected happens, such as when you cut their sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally.
If your child is showing signs of being over-reactive to sensory input, it is very important to take this into consideration as you seek to understand and respond to her challenging behaviors sensitively and effectively. It can be very helpful to consult with an occupational therapist—the professionals who have expertise in assessing and treating sensory-processing challenges.
To learn more about sensory processing, see my full article on how sensory processing challenges impact behavior.
Final Note on HS Children
While HS children have their fair share of challenges, they also have significant strengths and delightful qualities. They can be very captivating and a lot of fun. They often have great senses of humor. They have wonderful imaginations and are super creative.
Because of how keenly tuned in they are to the world around them, HS children are very empathetic and insightful. I still have the most vivid memory of my HS son, Sam, when he was about five, approaching me as I was doing dishes at the sink—my back to him. He asked me what was wrong. I had just received some sad news but I wasn’t crying or showing any outward emotion (or so I thought.) He couldn’t even see my face. He just “read” my body language and sensed I was sad. Recently, a mom shared that when her HS child saw her crying, he told her he was going to make her a happy card that she can open when she is feeling sad to make it all better.
Sensitivity is a strength, not a weakness. (I cringe when I think about how these kids used to be called thin-skinned with all the negative connotations that label conveys.) HS children need our support to help them manage their big emotions and reactions that they come by honestly. Then watch them thrive.
[1] Boyce, W Thomas. The Orchid and the Dandelion: Why Some Children Struggle and How All Can Thrive. New York: Knopf, 2019