Stop Trying To Make Your Kids Cooperate

"My child won't listen" ranks as one of, if not the, most frequent complaints from parents that drive them to schedule a consult. Typical stories include:

Ben (6) has a breakfast bar every morning before school and refuses to throw away the wrapper. He ignores us or outright refuses. We have tried everything to get him to cooperate with this basic rule. We, of course, end up throwing it away. What else are we supposed to do? How do we make him listen?

Kayla (4) refuses to wash her hands before dinner. We have tried rewards, bribes, you name it. Nothing works. She wins every time--her hands just don't get washed. We are so frustrated but are out of tools. How do you make a kid cooperate?

How to get kids to follow directions and make good choices is a topic I have addressed frequently in previous blogs. I am revisiting it here because it speaks to the bane of most parents' existence: the power struggle, which can be eliminated. And, because I have some new insights to share. Even after 30 plus years in the childrearing trenches (my own and with all the families I have had the honor to work with), and having just turned 60!, I am still gaining new understanding about the meaning of kids' behavior and what they need to thrive.

Key Insights

1) It is not that your child isn't "listening." She is not cooperating. Just yesterday parents of a 4 yo told this story about their very feisty, sassy daughter. Every morning they spend way too long trying to get her to get her shoes and socks on. They repeat their request (aka nag) countless times. She finally looks up and shouts: "I heard you! Stop telling me this so many times!" as she harumphs and walks away.

2) The non-cooperation often has less to do with the task/expectation at hand (washing hands, throwing trash away, bringing dishes to the sink, climbing into the car seat when it's time to leave for school) and more to do with a reaction to being told what to do, which results in a defensive/defiant response (as is true for most adults, too). It is human nature to reject other’s efforts to control us in order to maintain our agency and integrity.

3) The defiance is also often about POWER. For some kids, any demand you make or direction you give is fodder for showing that you are not the boss of them. Their desire for power trumps everything—even to their own detriment. Like Liza, whose dad threatened to take away her lovey (a doll) if she did not stay in her room after lights-out. In response, she made a bee-line back to her room, retrieved said doll, and handed it to her father as she continued to triumphantly prance around the house.

Or, like Leo, who rejected his parents’ offer to take him to DISNEY WORLD if he would just agree to poop on the potty. Caving to their agenda, in his mind, would be giving up all the power he was wielding by NOT doing what they desperately wanted.

Like it or not, and perverse as it may seem, the desire for power can be so intense that kids will go to unbelievable lengths to seize it.

And here is the rub: any demand you make on your child is fodder for control, for them to prove you cannot make them do anything. They know that you are relying on their cooperation and agreement, which leaves all the power in their hands.

What to do
First, make an important mindshift—that you can't make your kids cooperate. You can't force them to agree to clean up toys, stay in their rooms after lights out, sit at the dinner table, and so on.

Don't get me wrong, I think teaching kids to cooperate is very important. (I know there is a lot out there on social media about how cooperation is teaching kids to be conforming little automatons.) Personally, I know few kids (or adults) who have found happiness and success without learning to adapt to life's limits and expectations. I know of few households that are filled with peace and joy when kids are not cooperating with household rules and boundaries.

So, how do you get kids to cooperate?
There are some situations where you are going to be able to do something to move the situation along. For example, your child refuses to cooperate with getting in the car seat. The “two great choices” in that case might be: Option #1–he gets himself into the car seat; Option #2–you are a helper and get him into the car seat. Problem solved.

Or, the rule is your child has to stay in his room after lights out. His two great choices are: to choose to stay in his room on his own and the door can remain ajar; or, he keeps coming out so you put a boundary up to prevent him from being able to defy the rule. Problem solved.

But then there are scenarios, like those described above, where you can’t actually do something to ensure the limit is met—that your child throws his trash away, clears his dishes, or cleans up his toys.

What can you do to encourage cooperation and avoid the power struggle that just fuels defiance?
Teach your child the difference between "have-to's" and "extras": Explain that in your family, there are "have to's" for health and safety (tooth-brushing, staying in bedrooms at night, getting into car seats), and for being a responsible citizen (putting toys away, bringing their dinner plate to the sink, etc). And there are "extras", like having more playtime, more books at bedtime, screen time.

Explain that when they cooperate with the have-to's, there is more time for extras. When they don't cooperate with the have-to's, it takes time away from the extras. It can help to explain to kids that it’s the same for you; if you don't cooperate with your work plan, which means, say, starting at 9 am, and instead, you play games on you computer for 30 minutes, you may have to work into the evening or on weekends and have less play time. If they don't cooperate with their "work plan"—which might mean getting shoes and socks on, brushing teeth at bedtime, or putting their dishes in the sink after dinner--they will also have less time for the extras.

This is very different from using rewards, which often backfire: 1) because children are not swayed by them and just keep on obfuscating or defying; or, 2) they start to "extort" you with the quid pro quo that they will only, for example, clean up, if they get some special treat.

Alternatively, natural consequences actually mirror the way the world works, for us as adults, too.

Be clear about what the direction or expectation is: "Ben, in our family we each have a responsibility to take care of our shared spaces and clean up after ourselves. So when you have a breakfast bar, it is your job to put the wrapper in the trash."

Be clear about and give voice to what you do and don't control: "We can't make you agree to follow this rule. It's your body and only you can decide what to do with it." Often, just stating this fact, putting it on the table, reduces the power of the defiance because you are neutralizing it. You are not in for a fight.

Lay out the "two-great choices"—the natural consequences of whatever decision your child makes: "So we want to let you know what your two great choices are so you have all the information you need to make the best decision for yourself: Option #1 is you throw the wrapper away. Option #2 is you choose not to throw it away which means we have to do it. This takes time away from "extras" so there will be 10 less minutes of screen time when you choose not to do your job. It's up to you to decide which choice is better for you."

Remember, with the “two great choices”, Option #1 is always cooperation—to put pajamas on, throw trash away, clean up toys and so on. Option #2 is always an end-game that you control to move the situation along, and to avoid getting stuck in the "gray zone" trying to get your child to change her behavior.

Don't be dissuaded by your child’s indifference to the natural consequence. Initially, your child (especially if he is fierce and feisty) will act like he couldn't care less about the consequence to show you nothing you do affects him ("knock yourself out"). But if you stay the course, over time I find that children start to make better choices because...THERE IS NOT MORE CURRENCY FOR THEM IN THE DEFIANCE. It's the battle and sense of power that was motivating them. Once that is no longer at play—you stop giving them any fodder to react to (i.e, trying to control their behavior and telling them what to do), they realize it's much better for them to throw the damn wrapper away, clean up the toys, place the dishes in the sink, or wash their hands... and get their coveted screen time or whatever "extra" they desire.

Also ask yourself what the alternative is. Since you really can’t make your child do anything, you need to come up with a way to avoid the power struggle and move the situation along because it’s the struggle for power they are after.

I’ll leave you with another recent example from my practice:
Molly (5) has been unbuckling her seat belt on the way home from preschool to provoke her mom, Lauren. (Many kids like to see if they can get a rise out of their parents. It's totally normal.) Lauren has been getting into prolonged battles with Molly—begging, threatening, and bribing her to get her to stay buckled. The more Lauren tries to get Molly to cooperate, the more fiercely she resists. The solution: Lauren doesn't let her chain be yanked (as that only reinforces provocative behavior, which is, well, designed to provoke a big reaction) and to find a way to set the limit without getting into a power struggle.

So Lauren tells Molly that keeping the seatbelt on is a "have-to"—they can't drive without her buckled in. She acknowledges that she can't make Molly cooperate with this rule, as she can't be in the back seat to ensure she stays buckled. So Molly's two great choices are: 1) to keep the seatbelt on, which means they will have more time to play at home before dinner; or, 2) for every minute that Molly is unbuckled, and mom has to pull over to the side of the road, one minute is taken away from playtime before dinner because mom has to use this time to do other things she couldn't do while they had to wait.

Lauren communicates this matter-of-factly, not as a threat. (Threatening responses only gets kids haunches up and incites battles. They also convey to the child that the parent is out of control.) After just one day of implementing this strategy, Molly starts to keep her seatbelt buckled. All the upside/benefits (big reaction from mom and feelings of supreme power for Molly) are gone, and she's just left with the downside of having less playtime. That's what results in her making the choice to cooperate.