The Lowdown On Limits

Every week I hear from multiple parents who have done great work setting clear limits in a loving way, but are concerned that their limits are wrong or not working because their child continues to protest and not accept the boundary, even after parents repeatedly follow through and don't cave on the limit or get drawn into a protracted power struggle.

The mindshift to make is that the goal is not to get your child to like, agree with, or accept the limit, or even to change his behavior—something you have no control over. 

The true purpose of the limit is to stay in charge in the positive way your child needs you to be, and to avoid the pernicious power struggle that is so detrimental and destructive to both kids and parents. 

Take the case of Ari, who was coming in and out of his room for hours after lights-out. When his parents, Jen and Arash, stopped trying to coax, reward, bribe or threaten Ari to agree to stay in his room—none of which had been successful—they put a boundary on his door. But Ari continued to scream at the top of his lungs for 5 to 10 minutes every night before falling asleep, even though they stuck to the plan and did not react to his shouting for them. (They did walk by his room periodically to whisper a soothing mantra to assure him they were still there and all was right with the world. More on approaches to setting up loving sleep plans can be found here.) Jen and Arash worried that Ari's continued upset and protests meant that the limit wasn't working or was harmful. 

Au contraire. Let's look at all the positive outcomes of this limit: