Why Children Are Superstars At School and Terrors At Home

Multiple times a week I talk with parents who report the following: their kids are superstars at school—calm, cooperative, collaborative—but are terrors at home. They break down over seemingly minor issues, don't "listen", and are very inflexible and demanding. Like Eva, 4, whose teachers report that she is one of the most cooperative and best helpers in the class. She is kind to her friends and is good at sharing. She is empathetic—always the first one to comfort a peer who is struggling. In short, she is a total delight. At home it is a very different story. Eva is demanding. She ignores her parents' directions, and she melts down if she can’t have what she wants, when she wants it.

Eva’s parents are thrilled that she is doing so well in school; but they are perplexed and angry that she “chooses” to be so difficult at home when she clearly has the ability to show much more self-control. They are at a loss for how to make sense of their Jekyll-and-Hyde daughter and how to get her to behave at home as she does in the classroom.

While this phenomenon is confusing and maddening to parents, when you look at it from your child’s perspective, it begins to make sense and opens up the door to responding in ways that can increase cooperation and reduce power struggles at home.

See It From Your Child’s Point-of-View