When Setting Limits Gets Physical

Time to tackle a thorny issue: what to do when your child is not cooperating with an important limit or transition—a “have-to"—and the only way to ensure that the limit is enforced or that the transition is made is by physically handling her. For example, when your child: refuses to get out of the pool; sits down in the middle of the parking lot in protest because you wouldn't get her the unicorn at Target; is being unsafe and destructive and won't voluntarily go to the calm-down corner; or, keeps coming out of her room at bedtime.

Many parents I have talked to recently are uncomfortable with "manhandling" their child. It feels forceful and harsh, understandably.

Since my job is to help parents thread this seemingly elusive needle of staying calm and connected, while also maintaining clear limits and boundaries to keep their children safe and help them learn to adapt to life's limits and expectations, I have had to grapple with how to best handle these very tense moments. Here is where I have landed. I share my thought process so you see how and why I came up with this approach. You can then decide whether it resonates and feels comfortable for you.