The Beauty of Boundaries at Bedtime: When securing a door is loving, not harmful

In any given week, I consult with multiple families who are ensconced in battles with their children around bedtime. This includes children running out of their rooms repeatedly after lights out, which sometimes lasts for hours. Parents are exhausted and angry with their kids for causing so much stress. The bedtime routine that should be full of cuddles and connection has become fraught with tumult and tension.

Few (if any) children happily send their parents off at bedtime. Most want to extend their time with you as long as possible to forestall a separation from the people they love the most. Can you blame them? That’s why setting and enforcing limits is almost always necessary for establishing healthy sleep habits. Remember: what children want isn’t always what they need.

Which brings me to a not-so-tiny victory I want to share because it has to do with putting in place a boundary that many parents I talk to are very uncomfortable with: securing a bedroom door closed, which, at a cellular level, feels harsh and harmful.

I hope this story will help you see that setting a clear boundary at bedtime is loving, not mean or neglectful. (All names changed to protect the innocent.)