Your Child Needs You to Be Responsive, Not Reactive: Here’s How

Dev is trying to read books to his three-year-old, Zoara. Zoara is running around the room and not settling down to participate. She keeps demanding that mommy (Nurit) come back to read to her. Dev spends 20 minutes trying to get Zoara to change her behavior, then reaches his threshold and storms out of the room in frustration. Zoara starts to scream that she didn't get her books and begs for Nurit who goes to Zoara, settles her down, reads to her and puts her to bed. This has become a pattern: Zoara demanding mommy do bedtime every night and rejecting Dev.

Dev and Nurit know that this dynamic is unhealthy for everyone, but they feel stuck. Dev is so upset in the moment that it's hard for him not to be reactive. For Nurit's part, she has a hard time not going to Zoara when she's screaming for her.

In my work collaborating with families to solve their most vexing childrearing challenges, I have identified a number of consistent parental mindsets that result in moms and dads getting triggered and reacting in ways that are ineffective and often increase the intensity and frequency of meltdowns, power struggles, and other challenging behaviors.

One of the most prevalent of these faulty mindsets is: "I can and need to control my child. I have the power to change his behavior." 

But the fact is that you cannot actually make your children do anything: eat, sleep, use the potty, be kind, not yell or have a tantrum. Children, like all humans, are the only ones who control their words and actions. This is one of the most humbling aspects of parenting that no one warns you about. It is so fiercely counter to how we see ourselves and our role. We are supposed to be able to make our children behave.