"He's Going To Take His Pound Of Flesh": When your child demands to "equalize"

"Nico (6) is constantly extorting us. He'll come to the dinner table but only if we make him the foods he demands: chicken nuggets, pizza, pasta. We have a great time playing ball outside. When I say it's time to stop and get ready for bed, he says he'll do it only if I agree to let him have more video game time. It's like we owe him something when we set any kind of limit or say no to something. He's going to take his pound of flesh."

This is a common phenomenon in families with kids who are fierce about being in control and can be demand-avoidant. It is sometimes called "equalizing"—the need to level the playing field by getting something in return.

As I try to help parents figure out how best to handle this—to provide what their children need, not necessarily what they want (when what they want is not good for them)—I think about how to give these kids a sense of control in a healthy way that moves them toward adaptation in the real world.

This is the general approach that I find is most helpful for these families

Thinking back to Nico, one of the challenges his parents are struggling with is getting him to Greek School. He demands that if he agrees to go, they need to give him an extra two hours of time for video games when he gets home to make up for the time he has to spend at this "boring" school. Previously, his parents had been acquiescing; they did not see an alternative, but they did not feel good about it. Then we come up with a plan.

They validate Nico’s experience: "We know you don't like Greek School. It's a mommy/daddy decision because it's important to us that you learn about our history and culture." They refrain from arguing with him when he retorts that he doesn't care. Experience shows that defending their position only results in Nico getting more revved up and argumentative, refuting every point they try to make. Instead, they acknowledge and accept that he doesn't like it and that's okay, and he will still be going. Greek School is a "have-to."

They bake in an "extra" to give Nico some sense of power in an appropriate way. They tell Nico that because Greek School is an add-on to regular school and requires a lot of brain effort, on Greek School days they are going to have an indoor dinner picnic (which he loves) with a preferred food he gets to choose and help prepare. This makes it easier to resist caving to his often irrational demands and reinforcing his notion/narrative that they are harming him and therefore owe him.

Nico still demands extra screen time on Greek School days, but his parents are now comfortable sticking with their established limits on screens. They don't react to his harumphing around which they interpret as: "If you don't give me what I want, I am going to punish you and show you how unhappy I am to try to trigger you into caving, or at least into giving me the big reaction I am looking for." At the same time, they don't ignore Nico. They respond in exactly the way he is not expecting--with calm and kindness, not annoyance: "I would love a helper in the kitchen when you're ready." Or, they play dumb about something to give him some sense of power and control and to focus his attention away from negativity and towards a positive endeavor. They might say aloud: "I can never figure out how to make a door for this Lego house! This is so frustrating," something they know Nico is proficient at and will jump to instruct them on.

If none of these strategies work, they acknowledge Nico's anger/disappointment and then remain a quiet presence. They've learned that trying to make it all better rarely helps once they've taken the steps laid out above. More is not better. Without fodder for a fight, Nico eventually calms and moves on. His parents apply a similar approach to other situations like these and start to see a reduction in demanding his "pound of flesh."
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Then there is Camila (5), who was having a great time playing basketball with her mom, Eve, after dinner. When it was time to go inside to get ready for bed, Camila was upset and angry with Eve for ending their fun time together. Once in the house, Camila kept demanding that Eve put out her arms to make a hoop so Camila could throw a ball into the "basket." Camila's tone was very demanding and dictatorial which made Eve very uncomfortable. She had a bad feeling about acquiescing to this; that it would be signaling to Camila that this is an effective way to get what she wants. But Eve did it anyway, hoping Camila would be satisfied and they could move on. But Camila persisted; she demanded more and more turns and was aggressive as she was doing it--banging into mom's arms--which added to Eve's discomfort about allowing Camila to do this. 

After we process this interaction, we come up with an approach Eve will take in future, similar encounters:

• Eve establishes the time for the activity and then "extra time" to add on, to pre-empt the equalizing. If Eve decides they have 20 minutes, she tells Camila they have 15 plus five minutes of "extra time." The idea is that the extra time is baked into the plan, not in reaction to Camila's demands which would reinforce that unwanted behavior and unhealthy dynamic.

• Because Camila loves basketball, Eve gets a hoop for the play area in their house. She tells Camila that she will not act as a basket anymore because that feels uncomfortable to her. She now has the basket to use.

• Before they start an activity, Eve acknowledges how hard it will be to stop playing when they are having so much fun. She engages Camila in brainstorming options for things she can do when they have to move on--to focus her attention on something positive that she can look forward to. Does she want to: play basketball on her own using the new hoop? Listen to an audiobook? Have mom tell her a story while they prepare dinner together?

When none of these strategies work, Eve validates Camila's feelings: "Nothing is helping right now. It's okay to be upset when we have to stop doing something you love. It's hard for me too." Then she remains a quiet presence. Like Nico's parents have found, the more Eve tries to get Camila to accept the limit, the more dysregulated she gets. Taking the approach laid out above makes Eve feel good about how she is responding to and supporting Camila which helps her tolerate Camila's distress and letting her work it through.

For more on parenting without power struggles and setting limits with love, check out this categorized list of all of my blogs to find exactly what you're looking for.