I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!! When Your Child Resists Discussions about Difficult Incidents
One of the greatest gifts we give our children is self-awareness, a key component of emotional intelligence. Helping them understand what makes them tick—to tune into and understand how their thoughts and feelings affect their behavior—is critical for their ability to develop effective, healthy ways to express their full range of emotions as they grow. That is the definition of good mental health.
Self-awareness is especially important for highly sensitive children (HSC) because of how deeply they register their emotional and sensory experiences in the world. They get overwhelmed more easily because their systems are registering more than they can effectively process. This leads to big reactions that they need to learn to manage—no small feat—but that is so critical to their healthy development.
Some HSCs are very open and eager to talk about their feelings after the meltdown or difficult incident has ended and they are calm. They often share profound and poignant insights, like the six-year-old who explained: “I remember them (the calming tools) before, and I remember them after. I just don’t remember them in the middle.” Or, the five-year-old who said, “It’s like the spirit leaves my body” after he’s had an epic meltdown. Or, the four-year-old who was able to tell her mom that the reason she fights going to school every morning is because she is afraid mommy will disappear. (Her parents had recently gone through a separation.)
As hard as it may be to hear our children share painful feelings, it is such a powerful positive for them for them to have this insight and feel safe to share it with you. It makes working through these difficult experiences possible.
But many parents I work with express concern about their children being resistant to talking about feelings. They refuse to engage in reflective discussions to process and learn from difficult incidents. They cover their ears, tell parents to go away, immediately change the subject, or just shout that they don't want to talk about it.
I believe this reaction is rooted in the discomfort of revisiting an emotionally charged experience, especially when the child feels shame about it. The last thing they want is a face-to-face discussion that can feel very overwhelming, so they shut it down.
You can't, nor should you, try to force your kids to have these conversations. Pressuring them often results in their digging in their heels more fiercely and redoubling their defenses. Further, they develop a knee-jerk, negative reaction every time you try to initiate a reflective discussion, making it less likely they will feel safe to reflect and open up in the future.