Slow-to-Warm-Up Kids: How to Support Children Who are Cautious About New People and Experiences
Stephanie takes her five-year-old, Jonah, to swim class for the first time. He refuses to get off of her lap and go into the water. The teacher and the other kids are very encouraging, trying to get Jonah to join them. The more they try to woo him, the more uncomfortable Jonah becomes. He starts curling up into a ball and uses baby talk. When he gets home, his grandmother asks him about the class. He doesn’t respond and runs into his room. Stephanie has a strong sense that Jonah is feeling very ashamed about the whole experience. Her heart breaks for him.
Children who are more fearful and cautious by nature are often highly sensitive (HS). When they enter a new situation—be it a classroom, a birthday party, or swim class—their wheels are turning. They wonder: What is this place? What will happen here? Who are these people? What can I expect from them? Will they like me? Will I be safe? Will I be good at whatever is expected of me here? This deep thinking and constant analysis of their environment makes HS children extremely bright and insightful. But it can also be overwhelming and make them more prone to anxiety. To cope, they fiercely cling to their comfort zone, which means they often resist anything new. They tend to have a harder time separating from their parents. It takes them longer to adapt when they start childcare or preschool. They refuse to go to soccer or swimming, even when they love these activities.
What you can do:
Avoid trying to get your child to change his feelings or behavior. Having a child who is slow-to-warm-up and hesitant to try new things may trigger your own anxiety—especially if you are more extroverted by nature and admire kids who are "go-getters." A common reaction is to get into gear using a range of tactics to get your child to change his behavior. You might offer rewards and engage in bribery to motivate your child to agree to participate in the activity: “We will take you for ice cream if you join the group.” You might act as a cheerleader to convince your child he can do it: “You’re great at soccer. You will love the class.” “The teachers in this school are so nice. And the room has so many amazing toys. You are going to have so much fun!” The problem is that when you try to minimize feelings or jump right to reassurance, your child’s emotions are discounted. This doesn’t make the feelings go away; they still need to be expressed in some way, which means they are more likely to get acted out. Reacting in this way also sends the message that you are uncomfortable with your child's feelings which makes him uncomfortable with his feelings. This makes it less likely he will have a chance to work through them. It can also erode his sense of safety in sharing his emotions and experiences with you.
These tactics can also backfire because trying to cajole kids to participate when they are feeling anxious makes them feel worse. It amplifies the shame they are already experiencing about not being able to do the activity other kids are enjoying. HS kids also tend to be self-conscious. Having attention focused on them, especially when they feel they are being evaluated or judged, can be uncomfortable and exacerbate their stress. (More on self-consciousness in a future installment in this series.)
Also keep in mind that HS children are very sensitive to the underlying motives of their parents. They see right through you. They are keenly tuned in to what you want from them—what will make you happy. Looking at it through the lens of logic, you might think that your child would be motivated by wanting to please you and would change his behavior accordingly. Instead, what I find is that the pressure HS children experiences when they sense how invested you are in their performance is stifling, not motivating. They have to cope with the risk of disappointing you. It becomes a relationship issue that is fraught with tension. This makes it less likely your child will feel confident to take a risk and tackle a new challenge.Show your child that you understand and accept his emotions; that you aren’t judging them as right or wrong, good or bad. “I know you are hesitant to join the swim class. And at the same time, you love swimming. Let’s think about how to help you feel comfortable in the group.”
Practice and prepare in advance. Go to the pool before class and let your child explore it before joining the group. Kick a soccer ball around in the backyard. Visit a new school multiple times before the first day of classes. Play on the playground and meet the teacher. Having a chance to preview and prepare can make your child feel more in control and competent once he joins the group.
Ask your child what would help him feel more comfortable engaging in the activity. Ruth and Ethan are the parents of Owen, a fearful and cautious three year old. Owen is wild about Daniel Tiger, so they bought tickets to see the live show. While Owen was ecstatic in theory, on the way to the event he was getting increasingly anxious, asking all sorts of questions about what would happen at the show. By the time they arrived, Ruth and Ethan didn’t know if Owen would make it. They were prepared for him to insist they turn around, which has been known to happen in these situations. Then a lightbulb went off in Ruth’s head: she got down on Owen’s eye level and asked what would make him feel better. He said he wanted to know exactly how the show would start—what would be the very first thing that happened. Ruth located someone from the production who explained to Owen, play-by-play, how the show would open. With this information, Owen became calm and proceeded to fully enjoy the show. (Ethan, who recounted this story to me, described this move on his wife’s part as no less monumental than splitting the atom.)
Talk to your child about his “worry” versus his “thinking” brain. Explain that there are different parts of our brains. We all have a “worry” brain that thinks about things that could go wrong or that might be scary. We also have a “thinking” part of our brain that knows what's real and what's not and lets our worry brains know that we can handle and master those fears.
Stephanie used this strategy with Jonah. Jonah said his worry brain was telling him that he might sink and that the teacher would get mad at him if he couldn’t do everything right. They decided that at the next class, Jonah’s job would be to do some research. (He loved this idea.) He would watch the class and see what his thinking brain could tell his worry brain about his fears. His thinking brain was able to tell his worry brain that the children always have something secure to hold onto, that the teacher provides support when they are trying a new skill, and she never gets mad at the kids. She’s a kind helper. Engaging in this process had multiple benefits. It provided a positive focus for Jonah's attention when they arrived at the class and it visibly reduced his anxiety. At that point, Stephanie asked if he wanted to get into the pool with her. He did, with one caveat: “You need to tell them (the other kids and teacher) not to look at me or talk to me.” (There’s that self-consciousness at play. Stephanie did talk to the teacher about this. She fully understood and obliged as much as she could.) After about five minutes of supporting Jonah in the pool, Stephanie said she was going to jump out and just be a watcher, which Jacob accepted. He enjoyed the rest of the class and by the end of the session he had become an eager swimmer.
Guiding children to look at their fears through this lens of the worry versus thinking brain makes it feel less personal. It opens children up to look more objectively at the situation. This enables them to make sense of and feel more in control of their complex feelings—they become more manageable.Engage your child’s “thinking brain” to recall times when he was anxious about a situation that he muscled through successfully. For example, starting a new school, moving to a new home, or enjoying a group activity he had initially been fearful of joining. When Jonah gets anxious in the face of new challenges, Stephanie is sure to remind him that he has been around this block before. She recounts the story of the swim class; how fearful he was at the beginning and how he was able to tackle his fears. She emphasizes the result—that he now loves swimming, something he may have missed out on if he hadn’t relied on his thinking brain to help him work through his fear.
It can also be helpful for you to share a time when you were anxious about trying something new and how persevering through it led to a positive outcome. Children love to hear your stories.
This article is part of a series on understanding and supporting highly sensitive children. You can check out other installments in this series, here.