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Public Displays of Disaster: What to do when your child loses it outside the home
At the end of the day, my work with families boils down to helping parents set limits with love; to maintain a loving, close connection with their children while sticking to clear boundaries that parents know are essential for building their children's self-regulation and resilience, but that are hard to maintain in the heat of the moment when heartstrings are pulled or you just can't bear another meltdown.
Sticking to limits is even harder when children are pushing the envelope and melting down outside the home. Most parents of young children live in terror of their little one losing it in public. It’s hard to avoid feeling judged and embarrassed by out-of-control behavior, as if it is evidence of your total incompetence as a parent—surely a result of your indulgence which has inevitably created a spoiled child. This naturally puts most parents in an emotionally charged place, feeling mortified and often angry at their child for putting them in this deeply uncomfortable and stressful situation.
How To Deal With Public Displays of Disaster
Prepare your child for exactly what to expect whenever possible."We are going to Target to get food. We won't be getting any sweet treats today. I know that might be disappointing, and unexpected because sometimes we do get a treat at Target. You will be able to choose between a cheese stick or banana for a snack while we're shopping." "When I pick you up from school, we will be able to play on the playground for 30 minutes. I know it's hard to leave when you don't feel ready. I will give you a warning when we have 10 minutes to go so you can plan what you want to do before we leave.”
When your child loses it, remind yourself she is not doing it on purpose. She is not "misbehaving" or purposefully trying to embarrass you. She is just having a hard time coping with not getting something she wants. It takes years for kids to learn to manage these big, difficult emotions.
Keep in mind that highly sensitive (HS) kids are more likely to have public meltdowns. They crave predictability, something the outside world doesn’t always offer. They expect to have apple juice at the restaurant, but when they learn it's not available, they flip out. They expect mommy to do preschool pickup; so when grandma shows up instead, they protest and refuse to get in the car. (Here’s more on helping HS kids develop flexibility.)
Don’t let the onlookers get to you. Ideally, just tune them out. Most are likely feeling your pain, having been there themselves, and aren’t judging. And, for those voyeurs feeling some guilty pleasure that it’s not them in the hot seat, or who think they know better, ignoring is still a good strategy so you can stay focused on coming up with a productive response to helping your child cope.
Or, kill them with kindness. If a bystander makes some really helpful comment (sarcastic font), avoid being reactive. You have nothing to be defensive about. Instead, try: “It is so nice that you want to help. I really appreciate it. But I’m all good. Learning that he can’t get everything he wants is a hard lesson for a little guy, right?” This is a nice way to send some important messages: “I am in control, and I am being a really good parent by setting appropriate limits and helping my child learn to cope with life’s disappointments.” This can be a particularly good strategy when it is your mother, or mother-in-law, or another close friend or family member who is trying to help. (More on this below.)
Stay calm. While easier said than done, the payoff is huge if you can avoid a big reaction. When you respond with annoyance or anger, it is more likely to escalate versus calm your child. If you are calm and composed, she is likely to pull herself together more quickly. So while your emotional reaction is completely understandable, it is not strategic to respond in a revved-up, harsh way. When your child is falling apart, she needs you to be her rock. It's best to take a few deep breaths and remind yourself that if you decompensate, too, it will likely make the situation more stressful and challenging. (And, for those of you who can’t let go of what others are thinking—you don’t want to give any judgy onlookers ammunition.)
To buy yourself a minute to think about how you do want to respond, start by stating the problem at hand: "You are having a hard time accepting that we can't get a toy,,." Or, "You aren't ready to leave the playground and are having a hard time cooperating with leaving." Then say, "I am going to take a mommy moment to see how I can help us solve this problem."
Start with validating your child’s feelings, once you've composed yourself. "I know you don't like that I am not getting you a sweet treat. I totally understand your disappointment.” Validating feelings is not the same as validating behavior. Feelings aren’t the problem; it's what kids do with their feelings that can be problematic. (Also true for parents.) That’s why one of your most important jobs is to help your child learn to manage these strong, difficult emotions in acceptable ways. But that takes time and practice. And, it starts with validation—the first step in helping children identify and then manage their feelings.
Provide choices, when possible, that you can implement.For example, offering your child a choice of another acceptable food that he can have when a sweet treat is not an option. Or, giving your child choices of what activity he can do when you get home from the park. Even when offering the alternative, your child may flat-out reject it and intensify the tantrum to show you just how lame he thinks this other option is. In that case, calmly say, “You are so upset about not getting what you want that you’re whole mind and body is out of control. It is my job to keep you safe; so, your choices are to walk holding my hand or I can be a helper and put you in the stroller (or get you in the car seat.)” If your child can’t pull himself together at this point, place him in the cart (or stroller, or car seat—depending on the situation you're in) with as much calm as you can muster. Ignore all his efforts to get you to react. A helpful tactic can be to start talking about anything else but the incident at hand, as that is only likely to inflame your child further. For example, if you are in the grocery store, you might talk about what you see in the different aisles and ask if he wants to point to familiar items—playing “I Spy.” This lets your child know you are going to ignore his outburst, but you are not ignoring him; and, that you can handle his upset and will be a “safe base” for him.
Most importantly, try not to allow your worry about bystanders’ opinions and judgments drive your behavior in these situations. Many parents report that they end up giving in to their child to avoid the embarrassment and to take everyone out of their misery, even though they don’t think that’s best for their child. But you have nothing to be embarrassed about; and when you give in, your child is cleverly putting two and two together: “Mommy or Daddy will pretty much give me anything to get me to quiet down when we’re outside the house!” What about dealing with your own family judging you and your child? Many of the families who seek my guidance have kids who are highly sensitive and big reactors. Their behavior is often impulsive and seemingly irrational. These parents dread spending time with their extended family, especially when there are cousins who are more easy-going and go-with-the-flow. The comparisons start to fly. Parents of the big reactor feel judged and misunderstood. They are made to feel they have a bad kid and that they are bad parents who don't know how to control their children. Understandably, parents go into these situations with a heavy dose of anticipatory stress. Their sensitive kids pick up on their tension which begets more of the challenging behaviors, especially if their parents lecture them in advance on how important it is for them to "behave" when at Nana's or Auntie's house. Sensing that others in the family are having negative feelings about them only further exacerbates their distress and thus challenging behaviors.
If you have a HS child, or a child who has a hard time when you visit family, it can be helpful to, in advance, talk to your parents and siblings about what makes your child tick, to build some awareness and empathy: "We are learning a lot about Leo and have come to understand that his big reactions are not purposeful and not something he can control right now. He is wired to experience his feelings and even sensations more deeply. It's like he doesn't have a filter, he absorbs everything, so he gets overwhelmed more quickly and then melts down, or becomes demanding and controlling to try to assert some order in a world that can feel like too much to handle, especially in more unfamiliar situations. He needs our empathy. That doesn't mean we don't set limits, we do, but he still may have a hard time handling them." (For more on how to support HS kids, check out these blogs.)
Children having breakdowns when they don’t get their way is a normal part of growing up. When you respond calmly and with empathy, and set clear limits that you can enforce, you send both your child and the onlookers the message that you’re all good—calm and in control.