10 Traits of Highly Sensitive Children
When I started my private practice years ago, a pattern quickly emerged. Almost all of the families who reached out for help had highly sensitive children (HSC) who are wired to process and react to their experiences in the world more deeply than other children. These kids are amazing. They are often fierce and feisty, persistent and passionate. They are incredibly insightful and empathetic.
They are also prone to having more challenges adapting to life’s expectations and limits. And they can be exhausting because of their intensity.
Through my work with hundreds of families with HSC’s over the past 30+ years, (and having one of my own), I have gained a lot of insight into what makes these kids tick—why they react as they do—and what they need from their parents and other caregivers to thrive. I have written extensively on this.
This article is a distillation of these insights. It was published in Psychology Today exactly one week ago and as of this writing, has over 1.6 million views. I have been inundated with responses from parents who have felt so alone, like they have the only child who reacts in ways that feel extreme and even more irrational than expected with a young child.
I have also heard from hundreds of adults who felt deeply misunderstood as kids; who were shamed and mistreated throughout their childhoods and who are suffering mightily as a result.
So, those of you who are taking the time to read this post, who are working hard to understand your complex little ones to provide the sensitive, responsive care they need to thrive and be their best, glorious selves, should know that you are giving your child the greatest gift that will keep on giving for decades to come.
And, you are decidedly not alone.
10 Common Traits of Highly Sensitive Children
1. HSC’s experience emotional extremes. HS children are wired to register their feelings and experiences in the world more deeply than other children. Parents often describe their HS children as being either ecstatic or enraged (“slaughterhouse screams” has been used by several parents to describe their children’s rage)—with no middle register. They live at the extremes, making irrational exclamations, such as, “I NEVER get to sit on mommy’s lap”, when in reality, nine out of ten times this child occupies that coveted space while their easy-going sibling accepts the sidelines.
HS kids are sometimes referred to as “orchids” (see Thomas Boyce) because they are affected by and reactive to even minor changes in their environment. (Indeed, these kids have by and large been more affected by the seismic shifts wrought by COIVD-19.) They are more vulnerable than the kids Boyce coined “dandelions” who go with the flow and thrive even in challenging circumstances (and make their parents looks soooo good!)
2. HSC’s have bigger reactions to sensory stimulation. Children who are highly sensitive, emotionally, are also likely to be more sensitive to sensory input. They experience sights, sounds, tastes, smells and/or textures more intensely. They may become afraid of public bathrooms because the flusher is too jarring and loud. They may reject foods that have strong tastes and smells. They may throw a huge fit if their favorite, comfy sweatpants aren’t available. They may find bright lights uncomfortable. They are often highly tuned in to the way things look and get uncomfortable when they don’t appear as expected, for example a little girl I am working with now who insists her mom only wear her hair down and gets very upset when she puts it in a hair clip. They feel bombarded with sensations they can't manage effectively which can amplify their emotional reaction. Children whose sensory systems are reactive in these ways are triggered to feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed by the world more easily.
3. HSC’s are more prone to meltdowns. Because of their sensitivity, HS children get triggered to experience stress more quickly. They get overwhelmed by their big emotions and outsized reactions to sensory input which naturally results in more frequent and intense meltdowns.
4. HSC’s brains never turn off. They are keenly tuned in to everyone and everything. HSC’s are “processors.” Their brains never turn off. They keenly focus on and analyze everything. It’s like they don’t have an internal filter. This makes them extremely insightful and empathetic. But it also means they get overwhelmed more easily as they are absorbing more than they can handle. Typical descriptions of HS kids include:
“Henry has the superpower of tuning in to how other people feel before they even know it.”
“Maisy picks up on every facial expression and gesture. She asks if I’m sad when I am, indeed, feeling down, but think I am working hard to not show it.”
“Sasha notices the second the tone changes between me and Mitchell (my husband) and will try to intervene. She gets between us and commands: ‘Stop this right now! No more talking! Daddy you need to kiss mommy.’”
Their intense focus on things also means many HS kids have amazing memories. Parents tell stories of even two- and three-year-olds recalling things like: exactly where to find their favorite cereal in the grocery store; what color shirt the man who came to the door three weeks ago to drop off a package was wearing; or, calling you out for skipping a page, or even a word, in a book.
This ability is also a coping mechanism. Recalling details of their experiences, especially those that are emotionally charged, helps them feel in control of their world—to know exactly what to expect. Information is power. Think of how fiercely we, as adults, rely on what we recall from past experiences to make sense of the world.
5. HSC’s have a more intense need for control and can be rigid and inflexible. Because HSC’s register their feelings and experiences in the world so deeply, they live in a state of high-alert to prepare for and protect themselves from whatever big emotion, event or sensation they may be exposed to next that may feel overwhelming or uncomfortable. To try to gain control of a world that feels like too much to manage a lot of the time, they develop fixed ideas and expectations about how things should be to make daily life more manageable. This makes them inflexible—unable to accept an alternative way of doing things. Dictating where people will sit, how loud the music can be, what color bowl their cereal should come in, what clothes they will and will not wear, or how close the chicken can be to the carrots on their dinner plate—seemingly irrational demands—are all coping mechanisms HS children use to control an environment that otherwise feels out of control. (Recall the little girl who dictates her mom’s hair style.) The more out of control kids feel on the inside, the more controlling they become on the outside.
6. HSC’s are often more fearful/cautious in new situations. When HSC’s enter a new situation—be it a classroom, a birthday party, or swim class—their wheels are turning. They wonder: What is this place? What will happen here? Who are these people? What can I expect from them? Will they like me? Will I be safe? Will I be good at whatever is expected of me here? This deep thinking and constant analysis of their environment makes HS children extremely bright and insightful. But it can also be overwhelming and make them more prone to anxiety, especially in new situations. To cope, they fiercely cling to their comfort zone, which means they often resist anything new. They tend to have a harder time separating from their parents. It takes them longer to adapt when they start childcare or preschool. They refuse to go to soccer or swimming, even when they love these activities.
7, HSC’s tend to have a lower frustration tolerance. They often experience more distress and give up more easily when they confront a challenging task. The natural discomfort we all experience, when in that space where we are working on but haven’t yet mastered a new skill, is intolerable to them. This makes it hard for them to muscle through these moments, for example, when learning to ride a bike or think through how to keep their block tower from falling.
8. HSC’s are prone to perfectionism and have a very hard time losing. When they can’t do something exactly as their brain is telling them it should be, they experience it as a loss of control which is very uncomfortable and hard to tolerate. They also are triggered to feel shame more easily—to see their “failure” as a personal failing they are being judged for, not a natural part of the learning process. Hence, the meltdowns. This can be very frustrating for parents who see the irrationality in their children’s thinking but find that using logic to help them be more self-accepting backfires.
Being a perfectionist and having a very low tolerance for losing go hand-in-hand and makes competitive activities especially stressful for kids who struggle with these issues. To cope and protect themselves from the discomfort and shame that gets triggered when they lose, highly sensitive (HS) kids try to manipulate the game to win (aka "cheat") or they get angry and quit. In a time long ago, before COVID, I was playing Connect Four with five-year-old Lucy on a home visit. She made the first move. When it was my turn, I dropped my piece into the slot next to hers—the obvious move. Lucy immediately got revved up and explained, “No, Ms. Claire, I tell you where you can put your pieces.
9. HSC’s have a hard time tolerating being corrected. Even seemingly benign directions are perceived as personal indictments, not as helpful guidance you are offering. Their perceived shame may result in laughing, averting their gaze, getting angry, or running away. These evasive responses are all coping mechanisms that provide protection and relief from a flood of difficult emotions and do not mean that your child lacks empathy or feelings.
10. HSC’s are more self-conscious and easily slighted. They have a tendency to become preoccupied with how other’s see them. They get very uncomfortable when any attention is called to them, even when parents or other adults are saying complimentary things. They are sensitive to feeling scrutinized or assessed. That’s why they are particularly uncomfortable with praise—as counterintuitive as that may seem. They know this means they are being evaluated and feel that pressure.
HSC’s tend to take things more personally. They are also inclined to misinterpret other’s actions. They filter their experiences through a victim mindset, as if they are primed and sometimes on a hair trigger to be hurt in some way. This can make peer and sibling interactions challenging.
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Of course, not all HS children are going to have all of these traits, and many kids who aren’t highly sensitive will struggle to some degree with these challenges.
Also note that, because of their sensitivity, HSC’s are more prone to anxiety and other mental health challenges. If your child's behaviors are interfering in her ability to engage in healthy relationships with others or to function effectively at home and school, it is important to seek professional help.
To dive deeper into understanding and responding sensitively and effectively to HS children, check out these resources.